the day that death came to Rusty Hollow

The wind had a cold chill  to it this morning. A craggy old man walked his rackety old dog down the dusty road that led to the church. As he walked, tiny dust storms formed beneath his feet.

Along his path, trees and other vegetation seemed to wither away, leaving a barren wasteland behind him; one that seemed to go on for miles. Where he came from remains a mystery,  but the fact that he was seen headed into Rusty Hollow led people to fear his presence.

His face was filled with wrinkles, and all of his teeth appeared rotten. A long stream of smoke  billowed from his mouth, as he drew back on his cigarette. His cough was rougher than that of a thousand plagues, as he spread his germs and his hate wherever he went. His faithful companion, what appeared  to be a cross between a pit bull and a wolf, growled as they trudged on towards the tiny church that was centered in the little village.

Sally Henderson, the local homecoming queen took one  look  at the haggard dog and  ran to it’s rescue. “Stay away!” yelled the old man, who appeared to be half dead. Sally paid no attention, feeling that the little dog was made to suffer at the hands  of the old  man. She ran to the dog’s side and cradling the little thing  in her arms, a horrible thing took place. Community members stood in disbelief as they watched the beauty queen transform  from a sweet young thing to an  old woman in minutes.

“I warned you to stay away, but you never heeded my advice. Now you shall walk the lonely road with this mangy creature, bringing misery and despair wherever you go. As for me, I am free now.” said the once haggard old  man. His facial features began to change before Sally’s eyes. In just minutes he was but a small boy. “I will never again touch that evil dog!” he said.

 

Inventions and contraptions

While driving on  the highway today I noticed that the car in front of me was towing a trailer. All of a sudden, the trailer (which was used to transport a deep freeze) began bobbing up and down  and all over the place, eventually dumping the deep freeze into the ditch. I pulled over to see if the now puzzled driver was okay.

When I checked his trailer hitch, I was surprised to see that he never had a hitch, but rather, he had attached his trailer to the back of his Honda Civic using a rubber bungee cord. “I can’t figure out why it never worked” he said. 150 lb freezer on a 500lb trailer, attached to the bumper  of his car with a flexible bungee cord? I can’t see why it didn’t work either..NOT!

People seem to come  up with the dumbest contraptions  sometimes. I once seen a guy attempting to plow his snow covered driveway with a homemade snow plow. It was made from plywood, with two pieces of two by four nailed (Yes, Nailed) to his front bumper of a rusted out old Malibu. I had to stop  and watch. He took a big run and WHAM! parts of his plywood contraption, as well as his bumper, went flying everywhere. Talk about your splinters. Some smart, huh?

Talking about plywood, I seen a plywood Oldsmobile once. Apparently the thing had rusted badly, and since the guy was a better carpenter than a body man, he decided to fabricate plywood fenders and doors for his car. Some heavy. He then gave it a custom paint job with a roller on  a sunny day. We newfies are  some smart bye!

 

Last request

A friend just told me this joke.

A Newfoundlander, on his death bed, made the following request:

When I die, bury me face down.

That way, I can see where I am going, and the rest of the world can kiss my ass!

Tribute to Mothers Day

hand sewn dresses

and hand me down shoes

hair down to her shoulders

walking to school

over two miles walk

she never complained

she grew up poor but loved

she did well in her grades

which lead to life in another town

she met my dad

they shared a smile

and then a life together

and I was born

my brothers and sisters next

she gave us all her love

she still does

I love you mom

My dad and the Psychedelic Pickup Truck

Back when I was a kid, my dad decided to buy a truck. He had been doing a bit of work on the house and he found it a pain to try and bring supplies to the house with the old car. Without a whole lot of money to spend, his choices were few, and upon returning home from the city,  he and mom arrived in the driveway with a very beat up old Dodge pickup.

The truck was called a ‘Club Cab’, Dodge’s version of an extended cab pickup. Being a kid, I marveled at the cool back seat that folded out of sight when it wasn’t being used. I looked at the little storage compartments at either end of the cab as an excellent place to store things, such as cap guns and caps.

The truck was a light green color, highlighted by rust. The engine burned a little oil, but dad said that he knew where to get a new motor for a fair price. He ordered the motor from the Sears Catalog. When it arrived, he and my Uncle Albert put it together and into the old truck. My Uncle Albert was a whiz at cars, and although he never had any formal education, he could pick apart any engine and have it running by the end of the day. He was also great at painting cars.

Once they had the engine in the truck, my uncle made several  runs up the old dirt road that ran  through the community. With dust flicking everywhere, my dad grew excited that his truck now had the power to pull itself. The only thing left was that horrible faded pea green paint, but he couldn’t afford a paint  job. No problem, my uncle offered to paint it for him, for a good price. He suggested that since the truck was so big, one  paint color  just wouldn’t do.  He suggested a ‘two-tone’ paint  job. Mom liked blue, and suggested a navy blue with sky blue trim. My dad agreed.

My uncle took the old truck into his garage and went to work. In an effort to save money, he omitted one important step. When painting a vehicle two colors, the process  is to paint one color, wait for it to dry, mask the paint and then paint the other color. That way the colors don’t mix and it gives you a clean look. My uncle didn’t mask the truck. He simply painted the entire truck the sky blue my mom suggested, and before the paint was even dry, he sprayed the navy blue paint around the fenders and windows.

Excited to see his new paint job, my dad and mom, and me of course, headed for my uncle’s house bright and early Saturday morning. When dad opened the door, his smile turned to a frown. “What the hell?” he said. “What in the hell did you do to my truck?” he asked. Mom simply said “Horrible!”

My uncle rushed to the door to calm them down. He took one  look at my dad’s face and knew that he was in for it. “All my money, wasted. You ruined the truck!” my dad said.

“What do you mean ruined? This is beautiful! This is what all the Hollywood Celebrities are doing these days.” he lied.

I will always remember what he said next.

“It’s Psychedelic ” This is a Psychedelic paint job. It’s custom. Nobody else has this paint job anywhere. You now have a hot rod pickup truck with a Psychedelic paint job!” said my uncle Albert.

“Psychedelic huh? Oh well, if the big Hollywood guys have this on their truck, maybe I should move with the times!”  my dad said. He was smiling again.

Of course nobody knew what Psychedelic actually meant. My dad was far from  a drug user or a hippy, he was a straight laced Catholic who hated the liberal hippies who protested everything and as he put it, complained a whole  lot  as well.

Although my dad got strange looks  everywhere that he took his truck, eventually everyone wanted a psychedelic paint job as well. In no  time, cars and trucks everywhere had this same paint job. My uncle made a fortune all because he was too lazy to apply masking tape to my dad’s truck.

When rust began to creep back onto the old truck, my dad did the body work himself and brought the truck to someone else to spray it.  They painted it  a single tone  of blue. My dad’s psychedelic days were over. Thank heavens.

 

You will have to excuse my little sister, she bites…

My ten year old son just began playing with a few kids from  the community.  A family who lives nearby has two children, a boy and a girl. The boy is eleven, while the little girl is just seven. These kids are ROUGH!

A few years ago our son visited with the boy, whose name is Tommy. When he came home, he told of a very cool movie he and Tommy watched. ‘The Scorpion King’! He had nightmares for weeks! I was appalled by the fact that this kid’s parents allowed their kid to watch the movie, let alone allowing our kid to watch it without even calling us first. We swore he wouldn’t be going back there for quite a while.

Anyway Tommy seems to have grown  up a bit. I say that jokingly. He came over in our yard armed with a home made bow and arrow, with another under his arm that he made for my boy, and had plans to go small game hunting in our yard.

What he didn’t realize is that our yard is a no kill zone  for everything short of mosquitoes and house flies. I caught up with the two of them at in the driveway and explained our rules. Tommy couldn’t believe it that we actually fed birds and squirrels. When he seen that the birds were so tame that they ate from my hand, he was amazed.

Kids these days are so violent! When I asked  what his favorite activity was, he explained that his parents just bought him the new Call of Duty game. This is a game rated M for mature. Doesn’t  this mean anything to parents?

Anyway,  the kids were out back playing when all of a sudden we heard the screams. The neighbor’s little girl (who looked like she was raised by wolves, long matted hair looked like it was never cut or combed) had her teeth clamped on my son’s arm. I ran to his rescue, hollering at  her to let go.  When she did let go, her and Tommy (who had his sights set on a little mother robin in her nest)  were both sent home and not welcomed back.

These days it is so difficult to raise kids. Parents  no longer have the right to discipline their children, and it seems  as if the kids are aware of  this. We use grounding  for one sort of discipline, but we  are  usually the ones  punished when we have to listen to the complaining and grumbling from our kid, but I feel that is our job  as parents to act like  adults. Tommy and his sister spend most of their time in front  of the television  playing violent games, and  it really shows  on  them. While some  games are educational, it seems that  the kids refuse  to play them in favor of the the shooting and killing  varieties. This troubles me greatly. Just saying…