Friday Fictioneers: Taking things less serious

Copyright – Randy Mazie

Copyright – Randy Mazie

Charlie was such a character. He took everything literally. Maybe it was his upbringing; when he didn’t do exactly as he was told, his cruel father punished him.

People who knew Charlie spoke differently to him. Nobody ever asked Charlie to ‘kill’ the light, as he might actually shoot it.

The same held true for the detour sign. Most people might read the sign, and then take the road around the area where the sign pointed. Not Charlie. He went straight across the lawn into the light pole. Damn near killed himself.

 

this is my entry into this week’s Friday Fictioneers.

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Lessons in life

I remember my first day; the sun was something else.

It didn’t bother Dad though. He was used to the walk, and used to work too. I was eighteen years old, and in for the fright of my life. ”How could this be hard?” I asked myself. “lifting wood and piling it up, not rocket science.” I was about to find out just how wrong I was, on both counts.

Dad was patient with me, which must have taken a lot out of him. I complained about the ride up, I complained about the walk in. I even complained about our dinner, which my Dad packed. God knows I complained about how hot is was and how hard the work was.

Typical teenager I guess.

The night before, we argued most of the evening. Dad really didn’t want me working as a logger. “Once you get in, you never seem to be able to leave. I want more for you than the woods. Its a hard living. Early up, early to bed, and often too tired to enjoy your life. The money is bad, and the weather will get you if the work don’t.”

Of course I never heard a word he said. I always wanted to do one thing, be like my dad.

It seemed that all the bad things happened to me on that first day. I got an eye full of tree sap. Want to talk about pain? Try something that not only burns like hell, but it actually sticks your eye shut, if you are lucky enough that it doesn’t stick to your eye. Nothing except tears gets the stuff off your eye.

The pulpwood was heavy too. And God knows, Dad was never famous for cutting the limbs close to the tree. There was ALWAYS something to stab you, and on my first day, every one got me. I was bleeding from the arms and even the chest.

And then there were the flies. Mosquitoes were bad, but the sandflies (or ‘no-see-ums’) were so thick that you had to scrape them from your face. They would crawl into your ears, nose and even your mouth.

Eating was something that the flies did more than we did. While the chainsaw was running, the oil mixed with the gasoline kept those little buggers away; but when you shut the thing off and tried to eat….they came back with a vengeance.

Pour up a hot cup of tea, and right away a few blackflies have found their way into the cup. “Scoop them out with a stick and eat your dinner” Dad would say. “If you let them bother you, you won’t be able to work, you have to eat to keep your strength up” He knew what he was talking about. By days’ end, I figured I had eaten over a million blackflies. Mmmm Protein!

Dad would cut the tree down and run the chainsaw across the trunk, cutting the heavy limbs from the tree. He would then use the ‘whip’ at the end of the saw to measure two four foot lengths, and cut the tree in eight foot lengths. My job was to pile the pulpwood onto skids so the Tree Farmer (or TimberJack) operator could tackle his cable around the wood and haul it out. This was hard work! The wood wasn’t very well balanced, so you had to pick the wood up at one end, stretch your arm out to balance the thing, and carry it to the pile. You can imagine how sore this was on the arms. Dad used to help out when the wood was too heavy for one person, or when he seen that I was struggling.

I did this work for twenty years. I never heard Dad complain once. The only complaint he had was for me to quit and do something better with my life. What could have been better than working side by side the the man I looked up to all my life?

In those hard times, I was taught a work ethic that I have taken with me to many jobs since. Be to work on time, work hard as you can. Never complain about your work, you are lucky to have work. Be pleasant and always make the best of a situation. Life lessons, taught to me by my dad. I am fortunate to have those memories and those life lessons.

 

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Friday Fictioneers: Dan the motorman

claire-fuller-7

Dan was quite the mechanic. He could fix virtually anything. Despite his teachers claiming he was a genius, he quit school in the fifth grade. He went  from the books to motors, developing his craft quickly.

In a time before Car flip television shows, Stan bought pieces of junk and built them into classics, and sold them for profits.

About the only thing Dan couldn’t do fix was his temptation for video lottery machines. These things took him over, and in no time at all, he had lost his wife, his family and even his home…and eventually he even lost his garage.

This true story is my entry into this week’s Friday Fictioneers.

 

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100 Word Challenge: A Child’s revenge

As black as midnight, she slithered into the dark room. Without a sound, she pounced upon her prey. Claws dug deep into his neck; he didn’t see it coming, and his life was over instantly.

Some would agree that he deserved what he got. Who gave him the power to do those experiments on a small child?

Herbert Manning thought that he was a god. His cross breeding between species would eventually lead to his downfall.

Summer Holtiz, one part cat, one part snake, and a small part human, has reached her goal, to destroy the man who created her.

this spooky little ditty is my entry into this week’s 100 word Challenge. The word is ‘Claws’

 

Velvet Verbosity Writing Prompt

 

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its all in how you look at it

Earlier today my wife mentioned how she would like to be able to write like I do. She was amazed that I could look at a picture and come up with a story so quickly.

I felt that this would be a good time to get her  input. I asked her to take a long look at the picture prompt and tell me what she saw. I added that I would then try to write a story based on what she seen. I should have thought this through before offering.

When she looked at the picture, she said that she seen a penis, a knife, and a hummingbird. I know, my work would be cut out for me.

This is my entry into this week’s Sunday Photo Fiction.

——————————————————————————————

There once was a little hummingbird named Percy. Percy looked exactly like his friends except for the fact that he had a giant penis. Having a giant penis made it very difficult to fly, and because of this, Percy was often the butt of everyone’s jokes. When he couldn’t take the teasing any longer,  he made up his mind to cut the damn thing off.

He was very scared about doing such a thing to his giant penis, but on one freezing cold day, he got up the nerve to do it. Unfortunately for Percy, it had began to rain the same instant that he cut the thing off. The rain turned to ice, and Percy, the knife, and his giant penis froze to the fence.

The End….

 

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Velvet Verbosity : One Saucy Cat!

Velvet Verbosity Writing Prompt

That old cat was some brazen! He would stroll around the house as if he owned the place. Once, he left and visited my neighbour. Her door was open at the time, so he went inside, flipped open the door of the bird cage, and took her budgie.

When we got home, we found him perched high on the back of mom’s favourite chair, eating what was left of my neighbour’s bird. Several bits of colourful feathers covered the seat, and when he finished the pretty pet, he jumped playfully to the floor and proceeded to play with the feathers.

 

This is my entry into Velvet Verbosity’s 100 Word Challenge. The word this week is Perched. Check out the link for more stories.

P.S. for my earlier post, Beware of Jackson Falls, check out this link. I compiled all the episodes into one post.

 

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giggles

Father,I have problem.
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing.’
‘What do they say?’ the priest asked..
They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’
‘That’s obscene!’ the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment……
‘You know,’ he said, ‘I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible…
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying… That phrase… In no time.’
‘Thank you,’ the woman responded, ‘this may very well be the solution.’
The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest’s house….
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying…
Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them…
After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’
There was stunned silence…
Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

‘Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!

 

Emergency
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning;
“Windows frozen, won’t open.” Husband texts back;
“Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.”
Wife texts husband back 5 minutes later;
“The Computer screen has gone black, what do I do now.?

 

 

So, Adam’s in the Garden, and God says to him:

“Adam, I’m going to make you a deal.”

Adam says, “Oh?”

And God says, “Yes. I’m going to give you a companion, a woman. She will help you out in every way. She will support you always. She will listen, and follow your advice. She will give you comfort. She won’t ask questions. She will rub your feet and your back when you are weary, and you won’t have to rub her feet or her back. She will provide you with love, and understanding, and reverence, and approval, and veneration. Every day. And she will prepare your meals the way you like them, on time and hot. And she will clean all your houses and all your laundry, and she won’t complain. She will obtain happiness by making you happy, for all of your days . . .

“BUT,” said God, “it will cost you an arm and a leg. What say you, Adam?”

Adam said, “An arm and a leg?”

And God said, “Yes.”

And Adam paused. He considered. He stared into the beauty of the Garden and reflected, and thought, and thought some more. Finally, Adam said:

“God? What can I get for a rib?”

 

and just when you thought things couldn’t get any drier…

A local gangster wants to have his ex-wife killed. He settles on a contract to have it done with his beat friend- Artie “The enforcer.”

Artie agrees to do it for his friend for One Dollar.

Artie follows the woman into the local supermarket. Quickly he follows her over to the produce area. she is alone. He chokes her quickly. As he finishes he looks up and sees an old lady watching.

Not wanting a witness, he chokes the old lady also.

Artie is apprehended in the parking lot on a tip and confesses the whole deal

The local newspaper runs a headline the next day.

“ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT FOOD TOWN”

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