The Job that wasn’t (at least not yet)

Back in December I was elated when I was given the opportunity to interview for a job here in my community. I was even more excited when the employers called and said I had the job. I was not excited to find out that the position was part of a federally sponsored project. Being Federally sponsored, it meant that before I could begin, the employers had to receive funding from the Federal Government…The Conservative Government. Nuff Said.

I got a call the day before the job was set to start. December 21 to be exact. The hiring staff said that the funding didn’t arrive, so the job wouldn’t be starting yet. They went on to say that in a conversation with Service Canada, the new start date for the job would be January 21. Oh well, only another month, I can wait for that. There isn’t much work here, and since this job fit my training (Human Services Worker with a strong Technical and computer background), I felt that I would really enjoy the experience, even if the job only had a five month term (a pilot project that could be lengthened if successful). So I waited.

The week before January 21 I grew anxious. I called the agency and again they said the job wasn’t yet available due to lack of funding. The new start date was set to February 4. Oh well, only two weeks or so, I could wait.

February 4 is next week. Still no call from the agency. I called them yesterday and I was told that they still had no funding. I had a question for them.

Who interviews and hires when there is no funding available? This doesn’t make any sense. Their reply? “The money is there, the federal government promised”.

Now I feel real positive. A government promise. Everyone knows that governments NEVER break promises, especially those during elections. Damn. This doesn’t look good. I plan on writing my MP. I called the MP today, and got a message that their voice message machine is full. I was told (by a machine) to call back once the machine has been dumped. I would guess this will be in four years when another MP is voted in and they set up their own voice mail. Maybe by then the funding will arrive for this job. 😦

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newest pet peeve

Just back from a trip downtown. The roads are covered with snow and ice, and what sails past me on this treacherous day but some  fool on a pedal bike. The nutcase must have figured his trusty ten speed would be a good way to beat the slow traffic caused by cautious drivers taking their time, but what he didn’t realize was that snow and skinny bicycle tires don’t mix. The dumb ass slipped and fell right in front of my truck.

With just inches between his big dumb head and my front bumper (of my new truck), I managed to stop before running the idiot over. He gets up and starts yelling that another car (opposing traffic running right where his bike landed) ran over his only means of transportation.

Want to make this story even more unbelievable? He had the stink of cheap whiskey on his breath. That’s right, he was drunk!

PEOPLE! Winter ain’t no place for bike riding, even if you are sober…which this guy wasn’t! He is lucky his head didn’t scratch my front bumper!

Hair Today

Just when I was beginning to understand women (well not fully understand them, but beginning to sort of understand them), my lady goes out and orders hair extensions from ebay.

Not only did these blonde locks come from ebay, but they came from China. I am sitting here stumped at where some Chinese missus managed to find blonde hair in China, and how she managed to talk that person out of said locks. At first I figured it was plastic hair like found on dolls, but nope, real human hair.

The ironic part of it all is that the hair is EXACTLY the same as my lady’s hair. Same color, same thickness, it is identical. If I didn’t know better, I would have swore that she went to bed with short hair and woke up with long blonde hair. Almost makes me feel like I am cheating on her with someone else’s hair.

She goes on to tell me that if she bought these hair extensions anywhere in North America, she would have paid $300 +, but since they came from China, they only cost her $25. I would say that this is possibly ‘Hot Hair’, and somewhere someone  is looking for them.

I must say,  I do like the long blonde hair on my lady, even if it isn’t all hers. In these days of fake body parts like breasts, lips, and even ass cheeks, I guess I can live with fake hair. Just saying…

 

Snow Flurries with a chance of a snow squall and snow showers WTF

Just checked the local forecast. Not sure why I did that, as I just came in from my daily walk, and couldn’t see a damn thing. Newfoundland winters are like that. One minute the sun is shining and the next thing you can’t see a hand in front of your face. What gets me is the way that they have begun to explain the weather.

When I was a kid there weren’t too many different terminologies for snow. You had snow or blowing snow.  If you had blowing snow it was called a storm. If you had snow, it was the light fluffy stuff we loved to crawl through and build tunnels in. Not any more. So many different terms for snow. We have light snow, heavy snow, wet snow, dry snow (?), hail, sleet, freezing rain, freezing rain pellets (snow?). We have snow showers, snow squalls, snow flurries, and blizzards.

Apparently all this snow confusion has led me to research the white stuff that fills my driveway and weighs down the roof of my house. My research has led me to learn the following;

• Snow – White stuff that you see on Christmas cards. It is great for one horse open  sleighs and sliding. It is cold, unique, and melts on your hand. Some kids eat it (like my cousin Larry who especially liked the yellow variety (yuck))
• Snow Flurries – large amounts of snow that fall suddenly. This is the stuff that can make driving hazardous and can block roads (but not enough so that they cancel work or school)
• Snow Squalls. This is a relatively new term when it comes to winter. It is basically a snow shower (I will explain later) accompanied by wind, sometimes heavy. This is somehow different than snow flurries in that it makes driving even more hazardous and blocks roads quicker. Squalls can begin and start instantaneously and that is what makes them frustrating. (ME: Boss, it is so stormy I can’t see a thing, so I am staying home! BOSS: WTF are you talking about? It is sunny and clear here, so get to work!)
• Wet snow – snow mixed with rain, this stuff is heavy as hell to shovel, and makes driving treacherous.
• Dry snow – term used mostly by cross country skiers, the perfect snow for skiing.
• Freezing rain – freezing rain.
• Freezing rain pellets – freezing rain that has frozen.
• Hail – frozen lumps of ice, they hurt on the head.
• Yellow snow – snow that has been peed on by dogs, cats, or desperate humans
• Blowing snow – kind of speaks for itself, doesn’t it?
• Snow Showers (I promised this one) – the latest term, never before used. The 2013 term snow showers refers to a short to moderate duration of snow. Sometimes accompanied by wind and can cause temporary loss of visibility.
• Blizzard – a combination of many snow squalls, freezing rain, freezing rain pellets, blowing snow, snow flurries, snow showers, and snow. Not to be taken lightly, this phenomena can last a few hours or several days.

There it is, clear as a winter storm in Newfoundland. Hopefully I didn’t confuse anyone with the terminology. Now I shall go and attempt to blow the damn white stuff from my yard and driveway with my trusty snowblower. Wish me luck.

Snow Days, Sexy Sadie, and cheating on tests

High winds and low temperatures this morning meant that buses weren’t running, and that my kid got his first snow day. I was surprised actually, because this ‘storm’ wasn’t nearly as bad as some I remember as a child.

It seems that we have become chickens when it comes to our winters. I remember a time where the snowbanks were so high that we were forbidden to touch the bottom power line. Nowadays there is barely enough snow to block the driveway, however people complain just as if it were the old days. There is no pleasing people.

When we were lucky enough to get a snow day when I was a kid, it was a SNOW day. Visibility had to be nil to even consider keeping a kid home, and those days hold their own memories in my mind.

Without telephone services in our area (we were REALLY rural), the only way we knew school was cancelled was if the bus didn’t come up. Either that or check the road. Seeing how the only road into the community had many steep hills and no pavement, any bit of ice meant the bus would either be late or not come up at all.

After mom made her ‘no school’ judgement, we weren’t long to come in, dress real warm, grab our toboggans or Krazy Karpets (no spelling errors on that one) and head for the nearest hill. My kid is sitting in front of the television playing his video games. Apparently those days, kids aren’t as ‘tough’ as we were, and wouldn’t go outside in the cold if their lives depended on it. Actually, I wouldn’t allow him out either. What were our parents thinking?

Having a snow day on Monday meant twice as much homework on Tuesday. Nowadays there are so many rules in schools that teachers wouldn’t dare such a thing, but I remember on one occasion where we had three snow days in a row and our teacher must have got bored at home, so when we came to school on Wednesday, we had a pop quiz.

Speaking of quizzes, this is where school changed most. Back in the day if you wrote a test and did poorly, you failed and that was that. Nowadays if you fail a test, you have as many opportunities to redo the test as you want. They have even changed how they deal with cheaters. If a kid cheated on you when I was a kid, they got a smack across the knuckles with a yard stick or even worst, THE STRAP! Nowadays if a kid is caught cheating, they are given as many opportunities to redo the test as they want to. Talk about punishment.

I remember Single Sadie. She used to sit next to me in grade school. Man, she had this odor about her that made me want to vomit. Every time we had a test, she would get real close. At one point I thought she was going to kiss me, so I threw up. I really did. Anyway I eventually got fed up of holding my breath while writing a test, so I came up with a plan.

I did the test, and I didn’t even block her view. In fact, from time to time I actually leaned back, pretending to be frustrated, and then proceeded to write my answers on my test paper….the wrong answers. If the question asked the square root of 95, I wrote ‘the cat has a long tail’. If the test asked who the main character in the story was, I wrote ‘Sylvester the cat and Tweety’. You get the picture.

Anyway, Single Sadie (this nickname because nobody ever sat next to her on purpose) soaked it all up, and copied every word. The next day we were both in the principal’s office. I was questioned to why I copied her test, when all she wrote was nonsense. Having fairly good grades compared to hers, my response that she copied mine was believed totally by the principal. She got twelve straps on each hand and I got ten. When I asked (while crying and screaming in pain) why I got any straps at all, I was told it was because I didn’t snitch on her right away and because I came up with this dishonest method of dealing with the issue. No fair!

I managed to get out of grade school without too many straps. As for Single Sadie, eventually she found a cure for her B.O. problem and went on to be a very hot high school girl…who never cheated on any of my tests again…You may think it was because she learned her lesson. This isn’t so. Truth is, looking the way she did in high school granted her to choose which guy would give her test answers…another story for another day. She dumped the nick of Single Sadie, and went on to be Sexy Sadie.

As for my kid, he is overjoyed to have the day off school. He is already looking at the weather forecast and wondering if maybe he could also stay home tomorrow….some things never change.

sweet memories

When I was a kid you could get pudding in a tin can. The can had a pull tab that opened the top. When you pulled the tab, you ended up with the entire lid in your hand, as sharp as a razor. Some kids who weren’t too smart liked to live dangerously and lick the pudding from the lid. Some of those kids actually sliced their tongues. Luckily I wasn’t one of those kids. I couldn’t be, we couldn’t afford tin pudding.

My dad made homemade pudding. He actually made the stuff from scratch. We didn’t get to bring it to school, but we did get to enjoy large bowls of the stuff after it had cooled outside. We didn’t have refrigerators back then. We didn’t seem to miss them because we were so poor that we didn’t know what we were missing.

My favorite pudding was always butterscotch. It still is, and now the stuff is cheap enough that I can actually afford it. My kid hates pudding. He doesn’t know what he is missing. Today things are so easy to get that kids often skip them and choose junk instead. Same with Jelly.

Dad used to make us 1,2,3 Jello. My kid laughed when I told him about it, and even harder when I made it for him. Then he admitted that it was fun to eat. To make the stuff you separate your jello mix into three bowls. For the first bowl you make your jello as you usually do. For the second bowl, you beat the jello with a mixer; and for the third bowl you mix jello with cool whip. then you pour bowls two and three into bowl one, in layers. Try it, it is good. I hear that back in my day you could actually buy 123 jello, but of course we couldn’t afford it. My parents were good at improvising. They had to be.

My dad told us of a candy making adventure he had as a kid. His mother used to make taffy for special occasions such as Christmas and birthdays. He watched as his mother carefully mixed several ingredients, such as molasses and baking soda, and how she made candy for my dad and all his siblings. One day dad decided to try to make some as a surprise for his mother. Instead of carefully mixing the ingredients, he used all the molasses and all the baking soda. He  planned to make enough of the ‘sponge toffee’ candy for the entire family. What he ended up with was a large pot of sugar boiling over on the old wood stove. Panicking, using oven mitts, he grabbed the boiling pot and ran for the door, attempting to dump the boiling sugar taffy mix outdoors. The result was a candy road that led from the stove, through the long hall, out to the porch, down a set of stairs, down a long step and onto the veranda. The candy bar trail stopped at the front gate, where my dad met with his parents, who had just returned from a hard day in the fields. They weren’t impressed.

When my grandparents reached the house, they found all ten of their kids sitting on the floor stuffing sponge toffee into their faces. My dad still remembers how instead of getting spanked, he got to witness his parents sitting and laughing hysterically while their kids ate candy. He still remembers how he was forbidden to make candy afterwards as well. Ah memories.

overcoming fear

I admit it. I have a phobia to dentists and to needles (what a combination, huh)

Last September I had a tooth break off, and the nerve exposed. You can imagine the pain involved with this. Of course this happened on a Friday night, on Labor Day weekend. So no dentists in their offices until Tuesday of the next week. Upon calling around, all dentists were either on extended holiday or busy with other patients. Hell, most wouldn’t even take a new patient anyway. I was forced to visit one of the oldest and cruelest dentists in town.

You may say that I shouldn’t talk about a dentist this way, but this is the same greedy bastard who, when I was just a wee child, drilled my good new adult teeth and filled them, costing my parents oodles of money and subjecting me to many years of dental issues. He was the same dentist who, when I accidentally bit down on his finger (I was eight), he slapped my mouth with the back of his hand. Talk about professional!

Anyway, with this guy being the only ‘dentist’ available and my tooth throbbing with pain, I had not choice but visit him. When I entered the office he came in in a hurry, dressed in his running shoes and jogging suit. He threw on his dentist smock, and went right to deadening my mouth and gums. He left the office without saying a word, and only came back after an hour and a half. He told me to open my mouth, and proceeded to pull the tooth despite my screaming with pain.. My mouth was not deadened. I felt everything. When he finished, I was next to passing out. He put a tiny bit of gauze in my mouth and sent me out.

On the way home, my mouth began to bleed so intensely, I almost gagged on the gauze and blood. I pulled over and spat the thing out, and continued home. I figured my suffering was over and nothing could compare with this pain….Until the next day. I am not sure whether any of you has ever heard of ‘Dry Socket’, but if you have, then you know what I am talking about.

Dry Socket is a complication that sometimes occurs after a tooth is pulled. Dry Socket is a hole in the bone where the tooth was. After a tooth is pulled, a blood clot forms in the socket to protect the bone and nerves underneath. Sometimes that clot can become dislodged or dissolve a couple of days after the extraction. That leaves the bone and nerve exposed to air, food, fluid, and anything else that enters the mouth. (http://www.webmd.com/oral-health/guide/dry-socket-symptoms-and-treatment)

Usually this lasts up to six days. It lasted over two weeks for me. I called the dentist office the next day to see whether they could do anything to help. Usually a dentist can stitch the area and it is fine. The dentist retired the day after he pulled my tooth. This came as a surprise to his staff, as they had no idea of his plans. This came as a bigger surprise to me, as now I had nobody to help with the pain. I was instructed to take Motrin and relax. (the commercial “that’s Motrin Pain” became increasingly clear to me at this point, and I expected a television crew to show up any day to film my agony as part of a promotion of Motrin pain reliever,,,)

For two weeks I lay in bed, heavily sedated from the pain reliever. You are talking to a guy who gets drowsy taking tylenol here. After two weeks the pain eventually left, but my fear for dentists grew even greater.

This morning I had a dentist appointment to have another tooth removed. This one was on the other side of my mouth, another molar, same issue. One of the cavities that the nutcase dentist filled all those years ago fell out, and the tooth around it cracked, exposing the nerve. This time however, it was different.

In a true story I had written a while back about the scare I had with a Neuro-Phibular tumor in my face ( if you missed the story, here is a link), I explained how the nerves in my face were cluttered with tumor. Well today I found out that there are side effects from the surgery that I didn’t realize. Sure my face gets a little numb from time to time, and there are times where I cannot feel my right ear, but I never imagined that the surgical procedure the doctor did would have any adverse effects on the nerves in my gums. They did!

The dentist was unable to deaden my gums. She injected my gums and whatever other parts of the mouth the dentist deadens, and nothing. I felt everything. When she realized that I was nearly rising from the chair unknowingly, she stopped. She then injected yet more Novocaine into my gums (another needle, I am terrified of needles, even more so that that of dentists) and still nothing,. She left the room, telling me that she would give it more time, (what she was really doing was consulting with other dentists and her text books), and then coming in to check to see if it was dead yet. Still nothing. Sure my tongue was numb, but my gums around the cavity were still as sensitive as ever. I told her that my lips didn’t feel right, and when she asked what I meant, I said that they don’t feel  nothing like ‘Fat Albert’ lips. She began to laugh. Four needles later and still no numbness.

Maybe it was all the Novocaine, or my two phobias colliding, or a combination of both, but at that point, I began complimenting her on the beautiful eyes she had. I even asked if they were contacts or her natural eye color. Hitting on the dentist, that’s a new one for me, but when terrified, I have been known to do strange things.

Two more needles and still no deadening. Finally she decided to try something different. She injected the actual cavity with another needle, God knows what she put in there, but it hurt like hell. In minutes I did have Fat Albert lips, and my tongue felt like it was swollen twice the size. She didn’t hesitate to go to work on that tooth. “Pull the damn thing, I don’t care if you hit a nerve” I said bravely, but secretly I was praying to God, Allah, Buddah, and whoever would listen to give me the strength to get through this.

Strangely, I felt nothing. Sure I felt the pushing and twisting she was doing to loosen this tooth, but no pain. Finally, after two and a half hours of steady dentist pain, it was out. She said that she never seen much bleeding, so it was doubtful that I would experience Dry socket, but she left me her home and office number if it did.

This was the first time I ever went to a female dentist. I must admit, she was really something. When finished, she gave me a big hug, and told me that although she has only been practicing dentistry for one year, this would no doubt be one of those incidences that you will never forget.

“You won’t forget this one My Love, I am scheduled for a filling next week!” I assured her. I doubt she will be in town on that day.

As for my phobia, I believe that after all this, it will remain a phobia for quite some time. But she was cute, I will give you that…being male, I did what I could to put on my ‘brave face’, but I know she seen right through it. so much for overcoming fear by facing it

U L00K Gr8 2Nite

My lady and I had dinner last evening at a local restaurant. While at dinner we noticed one of my lady’s co-workers sitting across from us. Melvin (not his real name) had a woman friend with him, and it appeared to be a date. My lady mentioned that he didn’t have a girlfriend, but that he had mentioned that he recently met a nice girl and they planned to go to dinner together. She said that he had planned the night during work, and that apparently although this guy was in his 40’s, it appeared that he was very green when it came to women.

In an attempt to act professional, we did our best not to pay any attention to the couple, but when Melvin took out his cell phone and first began to text friends and then proceeded to play a game on his cell, we knew his date wasn’t going well. The woman appeared to be  bored, even yawning during the lunch. My lady started giggling when she received a text from Melvin.

“Do you know where I can buy honey mustard? I am craving mustard!” he told her. “Aren’t you on a date? Put the damn cell phone away, talk to the poor lady, for the love of heavens” my lady instructed the guy.

We watched as he looked around, not realizing that we were sitting behind him. He stuck his cell back in his pocket and held her hands. She wasn’t long pulling her hands free, as her cell rang. She then began texting friends, and eventually he had his cell out, and the two appeared to be texting each other. There they were, at a supposedly romantic dinner, not uttering a word, simply texting each other (or other people) and laughing hysterically. It was like lunch with the deaf, as not a word was said for the entire meal. Smooth baby! There was no way this was progressing any further. I sure hope he didn’t book a hotel room, or he will definitely be sleeping alone!

What ever happened to the art of dating? Taking your lady out for a romantic dinner, perhaps engaging in an interesting conversation, a means of breaking the ice, and even getting to know each other a little better? What happened to the intimacy of a date, being in a situation that you are in a crowded room and in your eyes and heart, the only two people are the two that sit next to each other? Cell Phones, that’s what!

Since cell phones have taken control of our lives, nothing has been the same since. We talk of technology, but what is the good of technology if we lose the ability to communicate? What happened to body language and smiles and nice words and intimacy? Leave the damn phones home, and get to know each other! Are we getting to the point where our lips fail to move, and our fingers do our talking for us? Does this mean that once the cell battery goes dead that the date is over?

I can say one thing for sure, and that is I am glad that I was born and raised back in the days where human beings actually spoke to one another! I hate texting, and will only do it if I have to. Just saying…

 

Facebook request!

Facebook originally started out as a method of staying in touch, adding a few family pictures, and maybe having a chat with friends you haven’t seen in a long time. What it has become is quite the opposite.

Nowadays Facebook is a means for bullies to go worldwide. Facebook is a way to show just how drunk a person can get while their friends take pictures of them. Facebook is also a way to gossip about others so you don’t have to look them in the face afterwards. Below is a list of dont’s for facebook users. Please read and heed.

1. For the love of God, don’t post pictures of your half naked wife. You may be turned on by those pictures, but there is something about a 64 year old woman half naked that doesn’t exactly stir up the same emotions with your ‘friends’ as they do for you.
2. While on the naked picture routine, also refrain from posting almost naked pictures of yourself. You aren’t exactly Mr. Universe, and those gigantic hanging ‘moobs’ (man boobs) are definitely not sexy.
3. Pictures of your dog fornicating are not tasteful, nor are they funny. Give your dog some privacy and show a little respect….and for the love of God, separate those two, there is just something not right with the mating of a Great Dane and a Chihuahua…talk about rape.
4. This one is for all the under-aged drinkers out there. Taking pictures of yourself while drinking beer and other liquor and then posting them on Facebook is a good way to get caught. Get a brain! Another note here. If you are a professional (lawyer, judge, social worker, school teacher…Minister…the list goes on), please refrain from posting pictures of you intoxicated and drinking. You are in a position of power and respect, and this will do nothing other than help you lose respect.
5. Same goes for drug users. If you want to spend your early thirties in a jail cell with a 400 lb man named Bubba who has a passion for new meat, that is up to you; if not, don’t post pictures of yourself snorting cocaine or smoking a joint. Cops do use facebook you know.
6. For those who post status messages about everything from the fact that they just took a piss to their opinion on your haircut, nobody wants to know. I seen one missus whose FB status changed from “experiencing pain in the groin” to “feeling better since I peed”…too much information guys. Please!
7. Nowadays it is all the rage to join Classified facebook pages. This is where people sell items usually left for garage sales. Some even try to sell cars. This is becoming an issue when ‘car experts’ who have no knowledge about cars and also have no money take the time to comment on the ads, stating how those items are not really worth the money. If you don’t want to buy the item, shut the hell up.
8. Posting pictures of your last vacation in Cancun can be both tasteful and not so tasteful. A picture of you and your hubby walking on a beach is okay, but a picture of you squeezing into a bikini so small that it virtually disappears once you put it on leaves a little too much to the imagination….and also helps bring up yesterday’s supper at the same time.  You are not 17 anymore,and this proves it. Just as spandex should have a weight and age limit, so do those tiny string bikinis.
9. Using vulgar language in your status messages will get you kicked off my friend’s list. I don’t care if you think using the ‘F’ word is funny, many kids are around when I have facebook up, and I don’t want them learning anything they haven’t already heard on the school bus.
10. Uncle Fred, I know you love playing those little games on Facebook, but for the love of all that is holy, stop sending me requests. I don’t have time to play pin the tail on the president, nor do I think that farming games are fun.
11. Finally, Please, (I am begging you here), Don’t find old embarrassing pictures of me from high school and tag them so that the whole world sees them. No permission should mean no permission. While you are at it, please refrain from taking pictures of me (and other people) without their permission and displaying them on facebook. This should be illegal.

Things you wished your doctor to say

Why is it that whenever we visit our doctors, they never tell us good news? Back in the day, my aunt visited her doctor. She explained how she had eight kids, and she was always stressed. The doctor wrote out a prescription for cigarettes. That’s right, he told her to smoke, because everyone knows (in the 1960’s anyway) that smoking helps stress…doesn’t it?

I had a similar experience a few years back when my doctor (we shall call him that) noticed that my cholesterol was up, and after trying various types of medication and failing, he suggested that I drink a beer a day. He even wrote it on a prescription. I didn’t know whether to get the ‘script filled at the drugstore or the liquor store. The pharmacist on duty made a copy of the prescription and posted it on his wall. He also sent it in to some pharmacist magazine and won a prize for the worst prescription in Canada. Go figure. And where was my share of the prize? And where was my beer? He just laughed and refused to give me free beer.

So now, without further adieu, is my list of things that I wish my doctor would say to me on my next visit.

1. Sir, it appears that your body is lacking bacon. Please eat as much fried bacon as you can before your next visit.
2. That beer gut is looking good. Studies have shown that men with beer guts far outlive those with six pack abs.
3. I think you are doing far too much exercise. Take it easy, sit back, and have a few now and then, its good for your heart to relieve stress, and I believe exercise is giving you stress.
4. Don’t like veggies? French Fries are potatoes you know, and fried or baked, they are still healthy. While you are at it, throw some gravy over them, makes them digest better.
5. Blood-work? No need, we have all that info on your file.
6. Pee in a bottle? No worry, we have lots from your last visit.
7. Work causing you stress? Here is a note for four days off work to recover. Make copies, isn’t your health worth it?
8. Your blood pressure is up. Good news is that studies show that high blood pressure is a sign of a person in excellent shape. Go on, eat all the salty food you want, it will only make you healthy.
9. Hamburgers and hot dogs are an excellent source of red meat. To ensure your ticker is working good, make sure you eat lots of the stuff.
10. As stated above, this one actually happened to me: Since Lipitor and Crestor failed to help your cholesterol drop, try drinking a bottle of beer each day. Hell, have two or three. It is a widely known fact that people in France rarely have cholesterol problems because they drink wine with every meal. (It is also a widely known fact that the chief killer of French people is Cirrhosis of the liver…caused by too much alcohol)

There you have it, a list go ensure a relatively short life and many long boring visits to the local doctor.