Father,I have problem.
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing.’
‘What do they say?’ the priest asked..
They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’
‘That’s obscene!’ the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment……
‘You know,’ he said, ‘I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible…
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying… That phrase… In no time.’
‘Thank you,’ the woman responded, ‘this may very well be the solution.’
The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest’s house….
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying…
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them…
After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’
There was stunned silence…
Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
‘Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning;
“Windows frozen, won’t open.” Husband texts back;
“Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.”
Wife texts husband back 5 minutes later;
“The Computer screen has gone black, what do I do now.?
So, Adam’s in the Garden, and God says to him:
“Adam, I’m going to make you a deal.”
Adam says, “Oh?”
And God says, “Yes. I’m going to give you a companion, a woman. She will help you out in every way. She will support you always. She will listen, and follow your advice. She will give you comfort. She won’t ask questions. She will rub your feet and your back when you are weary, and you won’t have to rub her feet or her back. She will provide you with love, and understanding, and reverence, and approval, and veneration. Every day. And she will prepare your meals the way you like them, on time and hot. And she will clean all your houses and all your laundry, and she won’t complain. She will obtain happiness by making you happy, for all of your days . . .
“BUT,” said God, “it will cost you an arm and a leg. What say you, Adam?”
Adam said, “An arm and a leg?”
And God said, “Yes.”
And Adam paused. He considered. He stared into the beauty of the Garden and reflected, and thought, and thought some more. Finally, Adam said:
“God? What can I get for a rib?” ”
and just when you thought things couldn’t get any drier…
A local gangster wants to have his ex-wife killed. He settles on a contract to have it done with his beat friend- Artie “The enforcer.”
Artie agrees to do it for his friend for One Dollar.
Artie follows the woman into the local supermarket. Quickly he follows her over to the produce area. she is alone. He chokes her quickly. As he finishes he looks up and sees an old lady watching.
Not wanting a witness, he chokes the old lady also.
Artie is apprehended in the parking lot on a tip and confesses the whole deal
The local newspaper runs a headline the next day.
“ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT FOOD TOWN”