Category: funnies

its all in how you look at it

Earlier today my wife mentioned how she would like to be able to write like I do. She was amazed that I could look at a picture and come up with a story so quickly.

I felt that this would be a good time to get her  input. I asked her to take a long look at the picture prompt and tell me what she saw. I added that I would then try to write a story based on what she seen. I should have thought this through before offering.

When she looked at the picture, she said that she seen a penis, a knife, and a hummingbird. I know, my work would be cut out for me.

This is my entry into this week’s Sunday Photo Fiction.

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There once was a little hummingbird named Percy. Percy looked exactly like his friends except for the fact that he had a giant penis. Having a giant penis made it very difficult to fly, and because of this, Percy was often the butt of everyone’s jokes. When he couldn’t take the teasing any longer,  he made up his mind to cut the damn thing off.

He was very scared about doing such a thing to his giant penis, but on one freezing cold day, he got up the nerve to do it. Unfortunately for Percy, it had began to rain the same instant that he cut the thing off. The rain turned to ice, and Percy, the knife, and his giant penis froze to the fence.

The End….

 

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giggles

Father,I have problem.
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing.’
‘What do they say?’ the priest asked..
They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’
‘That’s obscene!’ the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment……
‘You know,’ he said, ‘I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible…
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying… That phrase… In no time.’
‘Thank you,’ the woman responded, ‘this may very well be the solution.’
The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest’s house….
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying…
Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them…
After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’
There was stunned silence…
Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

‘Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!

 

Emergency
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning;
“Windows frozen, won’t open.” Husband texts back;
“Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.”
Wife texts husband back 5 minutes later;
“The Computer screen has gone black, what do I do now.?

 

 

So, Adam’s in the Garden, and God says to him:

“Adam, I’m going to make you a deal.”

Adam says, “Oh?”

And God says, “Yes. I’m going to give you a companion, a woman. She will help you out in every way. She will support you always. She will listen, and follow your advice. She will give you comfort. She won’t ask questions. She will rub your feet and your back when you are weary, and you won’t have to rub her feet or her back. She will provide you with love, and understanding, and reverence, and approval, and veneration. Every day. And she will prepare your meals the way you like them, on time and hot. And she will clean all your houses and all your laundry, and she won’t complain. She will obtain happiness by making you happy, for all of your days . . .

“BUT,” said God, “it will cost you an arm and a leg. What say you, Adam?”

Adam said, “An arm and a leg?”

And God said, “Yes.”

And Adam paused. He considered. He stared into the beauty of the Garden and reflected, and thought, and thought some more. Finally, Adam said:

“God? What can I get for a rib?”

 

and just when you thought things couldn’t get any drier…

A local gangster wants to have his ex-wife killed. He settles on a contract to have it done with his beat friend- Artie “The enforcer.”

Artie agrees to do it for his friend for One Dollar.

Artie follows the woman into the local supermarket. Quickly he follows her over to the produce area. she is alone. He chokes her quickly. As he finishes he looks up and sees an old lady watching.

Not wanting a witness, he chokes the old lady also.

Artie is apprehended in the parking lot on a tip and confesses the whole deal

The local newspaper runs a headline the next day.

“ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT FOOD TOWN”

Flash Fiction: Crime doesn’t pay

leverage-room-1
Copyright-Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

Bud and Moe were the worst of thieves. Bud recently got word that a ‘friend’ was looking for computer equipment.

Later that day, Bud told Moe about the plan. Moe was to break into a local high school and steal several desktop computers and their accessories. That evening, Moe made a clean getaway and presented his loot to Bud.

“You bumbling idiot! You forgot the keyboards!” Bud yelled.

“No I didn’t, they are in the next room” said Moe, proudly.

Looking in the room, Bud’s response was to be expected.

“NOT THOSE TYPE OF KEYBOARDS, YOU IDIOT!”

This is my entry into this Rochelle Wisoff-Fields’ Friday Fictioneers.

The Gift

Me Missus asked what we should get her mother for her birthday this year. I said “Nothing”. She’s like “Nothing? She’s my mother, we need to buy her something nice!”

I am like “We bought her something nice last year and she didn’t use it”

She’s like “We bought her a cemetery plot!”

I say “Exactly!”

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A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.The undertaker told them, ‘You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.’

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, ‘Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150?’

The man replied, ‘a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.’

 

 

funnies: Week IV

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. “Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl. “Oh, yes” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter!” The pastor fainted.

weekly chuckle

A 70 year old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.” The next day, the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks, “What happened?” and the man explains, “Well, doctor, it’s like this. First, I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then, I tried with my left hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands, and her mouth too, but nothing.” The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn’t get the darn jar open!”

Saturday’s lesson

There once was a little squirrel who lived in a tall tall tree on the edge of the forest. His name was Bob. Every day Bob planned to cross the highway because that is where all the good nuts grew. On Monday, he decided to attempt a crossing, but just before he got to the highway, he changed his mind and headed home. It took him until Wednesday to make up his mind to try this again. This time he got right to the edge of the highway and then he changed his mind again  and headed home.again.

On Saturday, when the highway was most busy, he had no choice but to attempt it again. His nut supply was quickly depleting and he knew that if he didn’t replenish his supply, he would probably starve throughout the cold winter. This time he couldn’t turn back. He rushed through the tall trees, over the rotten  stumps, along the river and finally to the highway. When he got to the edge of the roadside, he took a deep breath and made a run for it.

Everything was going so good. He had made it right to the center  line of the highway and hadn’t seen one vehicle. Bob started on  his way again and headed quickly to the other side of the highway when a large tractor trailer hurried along the highway towards Bob. When he was just about across the road, he changed his mind and headed back toward his home when suddenly it happened!

SQUISH!

Our little friend became road kill.

The next morning, Charlie Crow happened along our squished friend on the highway..Drool from  Charlie’s beak began to form  as he salivated at the thought of eating little Bob, now lying very flat on the highway.

Moral of the story?

Never second guess yourself or you will end up in the belly of a  crow. Or  something like that!

Second moral of the story? Read this story little squirrels and maybe you wont end up running to the middle of the road and then changing your mind and getting squished by my truck like you did this morning! GOD! I hate squishing cute little animals.

Last request

A friend just told me this joke.

A Newfoundlander, on his death bed, made the following request:

When I die, bury me face down.

That way, I can see where I am going, and the rest of the world can kiss my ass!

The Guy’s Guide to Christmas Shopping

It’s that time again, that’s right, the time where guys spend their much valued time wandering aimlessly in shopping malls, grabbing anything they can find, in hopes of making their loved ones happy at Christmas.

If you are like me, there is nothing like last minute shopping to drive you over the edge, but we still do it. I don’t think it has anything to do with laziness, but it may have something to do with all the sports on TV this time of year. Whatever your excuse, stay tuned for a list of gift suggestions that you can give your sweetheart on Christmas morning.

  1. Women LOVE perfume, so make sure to visit the local bargain store, and buy lots of perfume. If you are lucky, you can pick up the 1 litre (3.8 gallon for anyone outside Canada) bottle for under a dollar, and your sweetheart will love you forever (and smell like your aunt Myrtle)
  2. Clothing. Need I say more? If you visit thrift stores this time of year, you are bound to find a ton of nice clothes for pennies.If you are real lucky, you may even find a sexy piece of flannel lingerie that will show your woman how much you care.
  3. Gift certificates for Curves and Weight Watchers. Nothing says “I care” like a three month pass to some weight loss program. Your lady will know just how much you care when you tell her how great she could look if she joined these fine organizations.
  4. Candy. The local bulk store has a ton of delicious candy that you can buy for very low prices. Look for the imported (from Hong Kong) candies that resemble the more popular varieties.
  5. A puppy. Even better, visit the local pound and bring home that one animal nobody wants, the one who has been known to pee on furniture and poop on the patio. Your woman will love the challenge of teaching this new addition to the family how to follow her rules.
  6. Power tools. What woman wouldn’t want an electric drill or even better, the newest cordless variety that you can borrow when you have some odd job that needs doing? Or better still, you can get her to do it now that she has her own power tools.
  7. Cleaning supplies. Your woman will be proud to call you hers when you give her the latest cleaning supplies. Mr. Clean Ultra, a new sponge mop and maybe a broom will have her grinning ear to ear on this Christmas morning.
  8. Appliances. Now I know what you are thinking. Expensive! That’s where you are wrong. Visiting second hand stores, a guy can find perfectly salvageable appliances that he can fix up for his woman. Even better idea, give her broken appliances, and she can fix them herself with the new power tools you bought her…now that’s a smart idea.
  9. A snow shovel. Your mate will be in awe when she sees that you went all out and bought her the best shovel you could find at Friendly Mart. If you really want to impress her, you can delegate her to do all the snow shoveling this year. Yeah you are da man
  10. Home made goodies are always a great choice as gifts for the festive season. Want to be a real man and have your lady know exactly how lucky she is to have you? Try printing a few recipes off the ol’ interweb. Make sure the food is stuff you like, like beer snacks for you and your buddies

There you are; a few great gift ideas that will have your lady carrying you around like a king through the entire Christmas season. Don’t thank me until you try the list. Merry Christmas from Sightsnbytes