Month: June 2012

Paulie and the public washroom

On one of Paulie’s trips across the island, he found himself in need of the bathroom. He pulled into a gas station, and in a hurry, he ran to the nearest bathroom, ignoring a sign on the door. When he got inside the bathroom, he noticed not one but two toilets sitting next to each other. Dying to use the bathroom, he sat on the first one he got to, and did his business.

when finished, he went to flush the toilet, but noticed that there was no flush handle. He also noticed that the toilet had no plumbing running to it and that it appeared to be brand new. He also noticed that the toilet that stood next to it had an ‘Out of Order’ sign on it. With that, Paul took for the door, and towards his truck; but not before passing by a plumber whistling as he approached the bathroom. Paulie said that he could hear the curses all the way into the parking lot. I would say that plumber had a rather difficult evening thanks to Paulie ignoring the sign on the door, the one that read “Toilet in the process of replacement, do not use”

So much for clarity I guess.

Paulie and the Policewoman

My buddy Paulie never had respect for women. This got him into trouble in a number of occasions, but none to the extent of one particular situation.

Paulie worked at the Hibernia oil field. He used to drive the 12 hour trek every Sunday evening, and stay at the site all week. He did this in a one week on/one week off schedule.

On one of his trips home, he was particular grouchy and tired. He noticed a big white car in front of him on the highway who was driving 100km/h, the speed limit on the highway. Paulie had a habit of speeding, and passing every car on the road, but when he attempted to pass this car, the driver sped up. Fed up with this, Paulie hit the gas on his old truck, and although shaking and sputtering, he forced the old truck out around the white car and down the highway towards home.

Paulie noticed lights flashing in his rear view mirror, and he was quick to pull over. When the officer approached Paulie’s window, he opened it, and began a conversation with the lady police officer. She advised Paulie that she clocked him 50 km/h over the speed limit, and Paul defended himself by explaining that it wasn’t his fault.

“Everytime I went to pass that white car, the stupid bitch who was driving sped up. I had to pass her, she was too stupid to be on this highway anyway” He touted.

Paul thought that the officer understood why he was speeding until she alerted him that she was driving the Ghost car, a large White Ford LTD. “Sir”, she said, “I was the ‘stupid bitch’ you were trying to pass, in a no pass zone at that”

With that, she rewarded Paulie with a three hundred dollar ticket and wished him well.

True Story!

Maurice and the card game gag

A number of years ago, my friends and I used to gather at a friends house to play crib. My friend’s father Maurice was a total pig. Whenever we began playing crib and he began to lose, he would strain until he farted, distracting us long enough so that he could cheat. Let me tell you, this guy wasn’t very big, but boy, did he stink.

Maurice, a tiny stature of a man was also a very greedy person. If you brought snacks for everyone, he would first eat his bar, and then go on to eat everyone else’s as well.

One night, I decided to put an end to this behavior. I noticed that he especially liked Jersey Milk bars. Using this information, I dropped by the local pharmacy and picked up four packages of Ex-Lax. Ex-Lax is a chocolate flavored laxative that looks exactly like a Jersey Milk bar, except that it had different side effects….if you get my drift. I also bought four Jersey Milk bars, and carefully opening each package, I discarded the chocolate bars, (well actually I didn’t discard them, I ate them) and replaced them with the laxatives.

On the night of the card game, my gag worked like a charm….a very stinky charm. I gave each of the card players their own Jersey Milk (Laxative) bar and we began playing cards. Maurice was quick to thank me for bringing the bars, but complained that I only bought four. When he finished his, mine was the first one he ate, followed by the other three.

When he began to lose the game, he began his nightly trick of straining to fart. This time, he didn’t actually fart, he crapped his pants. Although if smelled like a pig farm at that table, we all laughed. Maurice quickly ran toward the bathroom, but the four bars of laxative were just too much for him. He didn’t quite make it. The rest of the night, the game went fantastic, especially due to the fact that Maurice spent the remainder of the evening on the toilet.

He never tried those antics again, but we always laugh when we talk about that night when Maurice crapped his pants.

Since Canada Day is just around the corner, I thought I would repost this video. Nothing says Canada like Roy Payne’s I wouldn’t take a Million Dollars for a Single Maple Leaf. Enjoy!

SightsnBytes

I Wouldn’t Take a Million Dollars for a Single Maple Leaf

By Roy Payne

I’ve seen a lot of sadness in the countries of this world,
I’ve seen the starving faces of a million boys and girls;
I’ve walked the war torn countryside and the bloody battered streets,
Where young men fought and died because they wanted to be free.

And as I watch my children playing freely with their friends,
I thank God for this country, mister, that we’re living in;
There are no cries of fighting soldiers dying on our streets,
I wouldn’t take a million dollars for a single Maple Leaf.

When you think you’ve got troubles, you just listen to the news,
And I’m sure you’ll realize, my friends, your troubles they are few;
Compared to those of others in the countries of this world,
We live in a paradise, a rare and priceless pearl.

Spoken:

View original post 349 more words

Conne River eye Opener, or How I Saved the taxes on my new truck

photo courtesy of storiesofconneriver.ca

I had a nice experience yesterday, an eye-opening experience at that. I recently purchased a new pickup truck, and being a status Indian, I have the right to purchase a vehicle on a native reservation, and save the taxes on the vehicle. The reservation, Conne River, was a six hour drive from my home, but when I got to the reservation, I was very surprised.

Let me explain. Whenever a news station does a story on native Indians in Newfoundland and Labrador, they show people who neglect their children, are addicted to alcohol and to gas sniffing, and who live in an area that is very dirty. I have yet to see anyone do a news story on Conne River.

The community is very close knit and family oriented. At twelve each day, everything closes. This includes everything from gas stations to convenience stores, and the people go home to spend lunch time with their children. The people who live on the reserve are very friendly, and their yards are well cared for and very tidy. We took the time to take a drive around the community, and I must say, never have I ever visited a community where EVERY yard was so well kept. Everyone in Conne River has a job of some kind, and you can see it in the pride they keep.

I wish the news could report GOOD things sometimes, but I suppose only bad news sells papers. Too Bad!

Trifecta: Grieving for my baby

I miss my baby, ya, I am grieving for ya now

As I watched you drive away, it made my heart go wow

I miss the comfort and the soft lines

and the way you turn heads, baby you are outta sight

I miss the way the sun shines on you

and the way you light up the night

I miss the way you make me feel

whenever you are around

whether we are in the country

or we are driving downtown

I love the way you get me home, never leave me stuck

I can’t believe my lady went to work, in our brand new Toyota Tacoma Truck

oh baby, at 33 grand, you were worth every cent

What? I love you too baby, you know what I meant

when she is gone, I am down on my luck

That’s right baby, I’m grieving for my truck

This is my response to  The Smashing Pumpkins Song: Thirty Three, and my entry into part three of this week’s Trifecta Challenge

add image: a guide

Working in and around wordpress can be pretty difficult if you don’t know how to do the advanced stuff. Well actually, some of it is not that advanced once someone gives you the basics. Below is a guide that (hopefully) explains how to add pictures to posts. I find it quite nice when I can add a picture to my post.

Step One

Step two:

Step three:

Step four:

Once this is done, your image is inserted into your post. You can go to preview to look at your work, and if you are satisfied, then Hooray! If you would like to remove or edit the picture, follow the next step:

Step 5

step 6

There you have it, simple instructions (I hope) to insert pics into your posts. Hope this helps guys!

to Archon: guide to adding a link

In my spare time, when I am not working, DJing a wedding, fixing computers, or enjoying the outdoors, I tutor people in the use of computers. I see that Archon is having difficulties inserting links so I created this guide to give him (and anyone else who needs this) a help in adding a link to his favorite blogger/website.

adding a link in wordpress is pretty simple once you get the hang of it. below is a step by step guide to adding links.

step one

Step two:

Step three:

Step four:

step five:

step six:

There you have it, an easy guide to adding a link. Any Questions?

next I will post guide to adding pictures. See you then!

ten year old tootsie roll

Being a diabetic, my blood sugars tend to drop from time to time. Quick fix is a hard candy, a juice pack, or a glucose tablet. When those items are not readily available, I bolt into panic mode.

This morning I was finishing up some work (finishing up this one year position at a high school actually) when I must have over did it. I could feel my body shut down, I got real weak and I shivered from the inside out (other diabetics know what I am talking about, non-diabetics may think this sounds crazy) and I lost all energy. A quick finger stab and a swipe across my glucometer and it said my blood sugars measured 3.3, which is dangerously close to comatose.

I paniced and dug into a pencil holder on my desk and found it….a Tootsie Roll candy. Just a little thing, but memories of those little candies when I was a kid brought back great memories, so I unwrapped it, and sunk my teeth into the candy. ‘KRUNCH’ my teeth entered into something that may have appeared to be a tootsie roll, but tasted a lot like soap. I tried everything to get rid of the taste, including breath mints, toothpaste, water, more water, more water, more toothpaste, mouthwash, and basically anything I could find.

I ended up getting sick and leaving work. I felt better after lunch, although I still have a taste of soapy dust in my mouth. I spoke to a co-worker and she believes that candy may have been there at least five or ten years. Moral of the story: Don’t judge a tootsie roll by its wrapper, or keep a fresh supply of hard candy on hand, or stored inside the glucometer case. I may learn someday….