Month: October 2012

The Cracker Jack Ring

Mom’s engagement ring came from a box of Cracker Jacks. Dad’s story was that in an earlier relationship that had gone sour, he had spent all his savings on an expensive ring, and the woman threw it in a pond, so when he met and fell in love with mom, he had no savings left, so he was forced to give her a toy ring he found in a box of Cracker Jacks.

The ring stood the test of time, fifty years to be exact. On their 50th wedding anniversary this past July, Dad surprised Mom with a new one, this time made of Gold. He said that if the toy metal one lasted fifty years, this one ought to last another fifty for sure. Mom still kept the old ring, which shows its 50 years well.

As for mom and dad, they are still as happy now as they were all those years ago. They do everything together, and enjoy even the little things. We had a celebration for them on their anniversary, complete with a photographer who took family pictures of everyone. Love you Mom and Dad!

 

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The Monster’s Holiday

Photo courtesy of elfwood.com

The mother struggled to apply the face makeup to the kiddies, but by now, she was used to this practice. In fact, after 364 days each year of applying makeup to hide the little one’s faces, she was pretty much a makeup artist at this point.

“Keep still while I do this son, only one more day and it will be Halloween, then you won’t need makeup. You can feel free to walk around just as you do here at home, and nobody will run in terror. None of the kids will be afraid of you, plus people will give you candy!” the mother assured her kids.

For most kids, Halloween is a time where you dress scary and visit people’s doors in search of candy and other treats, but when you are a zombie, you only get one chance per year to go out in public without makeup. Halloween was that time. The kids could feel free to roam around town, even walk from home to home with the other kids, and without makeup.

“You should have seen the boy from down the block, he wore his costume to school today, and he looked just like Uncle Herbert!” the little one said. “He almost scared me!” he added.

His little sister sat and watched her mother apply the makeup to little Frankie, who without makeup closely resembled Frankenstein himself, just in miniature form. “Why do you always put his on first?” she asked.

“Calm  down Annie, disguising Frankie is a whole lot easier than you, all  I need to do is change his skin color from green to pink, and apply a bit of makeup around his eyes.” her mother said. ” Your makeup is another story.”

Annie was a little monster of a kid who resembled a ghoulish Raggedy Ann doll. Her face was a pasty white color, while her eyes resembled black buttons in her head. Her mouth appeared to be sewn to her face, and she was all floppy when she walked.

“The girls at school have been picking on me lately, I am tempted to go to school without makeup, that would teach ’em!” she said.

As Annie complained, her mother worked to apply the heavy face makeup Annie was accustomed to wearing. “Never, never let them see your face. These humans can be so cruel.” her mother said. “They put names on me like Zombie and monster when I was a kid, I wanted to leave school forever” she added.

Last Halloween, both Monster kids won prizes at school. The school principal was so impressed with Annie that he made her the Halloween Queen. She was so proud.

Just as she had finished with the kids, a ring came at the door. It was Poppa. He had been working at the local haunted house all day, and he was so tired, he didn’t have the strength to open the door on his own.

“Did you scare anyone today? the mother asked?

“Let me tell you, these days Zombies are an everyday thing. Kids are going out tattooed, hair shaved, piercings everywhere, Hell, they are even scarier than you and me put together!” he said, as he massaged his fangs. “I had to go the extra mile today and actually bite a few necks. They liked it and asked for more! What kind of world is it where nobody is afraid of a vampire?” he added.

Poppa used to be quite the beast in his younger days, but the pain of raising two zombie kids can take its toll on an aging vampire.

As Poppa got himself a lunch of blood pudding and tomato juice, the mom got the kids off to school.

The next day, the kids were in an especially good mood. Annie was first to get out of her coffin, and after eating her usual cereal of Fruit Loops with bat wings and milk, she was out the door and on her way to school. Little Frankie was right behind her, all set to win the school dress up contest…again. He won every year!

After school the kids got together with other kids on the block and went trick or treating. “It is really nice to see Annie and Frankie playing with the other kids, I sure love Halloween!” said Momma, as she drank up the last of the bat blood, a favorite drink at the Horror House of Henderson  Lane.

Happy Halloween to all out there from Sightsnbytes!

 

Big Titty Smitty and the Marshmallow Roast

photo courtesy of verysrs.com

Back when I was a kid, we had this field trip to the local beach. I believe it was in the fifth grade. The whole class walked from school to an area known as ‘Little Port Harmon’, which served as a marina for local boats and a few freight ships. Adjacent to the dock was a beach where locals held bonfires and family events.

When we got to the beach area, the teacher built a fire and gave us each a stick to roast marshmallows. There was one kid there named Brian Smith, but he liked to be called ‘Smitty’. He thought it sounded tough, and tough he was. He was the biggest bully in the entire fifth grade, and nobody ever crossed him without leaving with a black eye or something broken. Behind his back, some of the kids he bullied used to call him ‘Smitty with the big Titty’, not because he had large breasts, but because Titty rhymed with Smitty. Hey, we were just kids, so this was as creative as we could get. I of course never called him that, at least not to his face, at least not more than once.

Anyway, we were roasting marshmallows. All the kids were there, and the fire, it was huge. Smitty was there too. Being back in the seventies, everyone had a big head of hair, and Smitty was no different, he had a mane of blonde hair that reached beyond his shoulders. I had my marshmallow a bit too close to the fire when one of my friends warned me that my marshmallow was on fire. With that, I flicked the stick away from the fire, the marshmallow took flight.

I remember watching the marshmallow fly through the air. It was like it was in slow motion. The flaming marshmallow flew through the air landing…you guessed it, right on the top of Smitty’s head, setting fire to his hair. With smoke bellowing from his head, he began to look through the crowd to find out who was the owner of the marshmallow when he spotted me.

I was bent over in laughter, almost unable to breathe. “Smitty with the big titty isn’t so tough now” I bragged, foolishly. Overcome with the laughter and the thought of the flaming hot marshmallow burning his hair somehow made it easier to deal with his bullying and the fear that followed him, and also took away my senses momentarily as I laughed my ass off.

When I looked up, I saw him. The flame from the marshmallow had receded to nothing but sugary smoke, but his hair, that was something else. He had a big bald spot at the center of his scalp, and he resembled Friar Tuck from Robin Hood. I vaguely remember this, but I can remember that I laughed uncontrollably the entire time that he pummeled me, and even though I was left battered and bruised, the beating was somehow worth it, because from that moment on, I was no longer afraid of him. None of the other kids were either, as the name ‘Friar Tuck’ stuck with him, and to this day, he is still known as Friar Tuck. On that day, a bully was taught a valuable lesson.

Yesterday my son came home with both knees of his jeans soiled with mud. Now don’t get me wrong, he usually comes home with green knees from playing outside and roughhousing. He is so hard on clothes that his explanation for getting his jeans dirty is that ‘I am a kid, I am supposed to be dirty’, but this was different.

When I asked him how he got so dirty at school, he tried to dismiss it as an accident. I used to do that too when I was bullied, so I picked up on it right away, he was protecting the bully. He then went on to say that the school had sports day, and he was in a race. He said that he was about to win when the school bully,  a fat kid named Kirk had tripped him, sending him flying into a large puddle. He said that the kid then kicked him and ran to win the competition.

When I asked why he didn’t tell me this from the beginning, he said it was because nobody tells on Kirk, or they get beat up. My kid is in the fifth grade. I told him the story of Smitty with the big Titty. At first he didn’t get the connection, but after explaining to him that although we were all afraid of Smitty, there came a time when he wasn’t so scary. I assured him that Kirk’s day is coming as well.

On his way out the door this morning, on his way to school, he told me that he hoped his school would be having a marshmallow roast. I don’t think he got my point, but if they do have a fire, I feel that maybe Kirk will be missing some hair.

I hate bullying. I can’t believe that after all those years, the school playground is still just as scary as it was way back when I was a little kid. Our government is working on a plan to deal with bullying after two kids were practically killed because of bullying. I look on the internet and see some kid commit suicide on Youtube because she was bullied to death by other kids. You hear stories of kids taking their own lives because they see it as the only way to deal with the bullying. The problem is not going away, something has to be done soon. Just saying!

Sister Kotex (I mean Kotell) and the Spelling Bee

When I was a kid, I came first in the Regional Spelling Bee competitions that were held in our school. Competition was tough, as spelling was one of our most important subjects, and since it was practiced each week, thanks to our twenty word spelling list that we were tested on each Friday. I always got at least a 90% in those tests.

I earned a Spirograph toy for my hard work.

I still  remember Sister Hilda, and  her yard stick. As she called out the words, she walked along the aisles of the classroom, glancing at our work as she passed. When she noticed an  incorrectly spelled word, she would crack us across the neck with the ruler. Seeing how I had a relatively long neck, I certainly didn’t welcome the hardwood ruler’s hard whack, so I guess I just learned to spell. Something like that.

Growing up in Catholic school  in the seventies was no easy chore, as teachers and especially principals had the right to strike a kid if they deserved it. One of my teachers picked off the tip of my skull with a caulk eraser once. I know, that explains a lot. Let me tell you something, those nuns had little time for smart ass  kids, and they were cross!

I had this one teacher, Sister Kotell, who was the terror  of the school. We used to call her Sister Kotex (after the feminine  pad) behind her back. Guess who mistakenly called her Sister Kotex to her face by accident one faithful morning in December, while she scolded me for wearing my winter boots in the school. Ever hear of the ‘Strap’?

The Strap was a fourteen inch piece  of leather, that was about a quarter of an inch thick. The old girl loved to strap innocent little kids who made little mistakes like calling her after a feminine pad. I got fifteen  straps on each hand, and by then my hands were too sore to hold my pencil. This was just prior to our weekly spelling test. I didn’t get a good grade on that one, but I did dispute it with the school principal…and won!

I had dropped in to the office earlier to talk to him, but he wasn’t around, so the secretary agreed to call me down when he got in. I was sitting in  class, waiting for Sister Kotex to come in for math class when the announcement came on the static-filled P.A. System, the one donated by the Army Base.

“Bzzt…Will Teddy W Please Bzzt Come to the Bzzt Principal’s office immediately”

Everyone in the class ‘whooed’ me as I got up, red faced, and left the room. I remember the old crab (Sister Kotex) telling me that I was in deep trouble.

When I reached the principal’s office, I was directed to walk right into his office. There he was, the school principal, sitting like a king at his throne, waiting to dish punishment upon me for questioning a teacher. Not just a teacher, but a nun at that. Nuns were the top of the heap back then. We used to joke that they were called ‘nuns’ because they didn’t get none. We didn’t say that one out loud though, not in grade four anyway.

The principal  introduced himself and shook my hand. He was smoking a cigar at the time (they were allowed to do that back then) and he doubted it in his ashtray.

“So, you are questioning Sister Kotex…I mean Kotell’s behavior?” he said, chuckling as he said it.

Did he just call her Sister Kotex? I was appalled.

“First thing you should know, you guys didn’t make that name  up. She was called Sister Kotex when I went to school here, so don’t think you guys said anything she never heard.” he said.

“You have to know that this was wrong” he added.

“But..but…I am not questioning that, I don’t think it was fair to strap me and then give me a spelling test. I failed the test, couldn’t hold my pencil, hands were too sore!” I said.

“I had a 99 average, now that is finished. I don’t get 90’s in anything cept spelling, I don’t think it was fair!” I pleaded.

He was amazed that I didn’t care about the straps, or the fact that I got caught, and the only thing I wanted was a chance to redo the test once I regained feeling in my fingers.

“You can re-write the test on Monday, here in my office. I will talk with Sister Kotex..I mean Sister Kotell on Friday and work things out” he said.

Nowadays things sure have changed. First, spelling is all but a lost art, as our schools have removed spelling from school curriculum. Apparently spelling is no longer important! I hate to think of our future authors, nobody will understand their books. It is hard enough getting published now, imagine in a future where authors spell things the way they sound!

The strap is gone as well. I know it was cruel punishment, but nowadays schools have no way to discipline students.

Most of all, the worst thing that changed is the fact that a student can no longer fail a test or a grade. Even if a student is caught cheating, he is given endless opportunities to redo the test. What a future we live in. Just saying

Prime Minister’s Puppet

When I was a kid I had the neatest toy. It was an astronaut Action Figure, and whenever you spoke into the mic on the back of his neck and pulled a string, he would repeat exactly what you said.

The Federal Government of Canada has a similar toy. Simply known as The Penashue, this motionless figure repeats what the prime minister tells him each time a string is pulled.

Speaking of pulling strings, when asked by a CBC reporter if the overspending had any effect on the outcome of Penashue winning the election last year (he only won by 79 seats),  and then asked if he was aware of the overspending, as well as several other questions, the Prime Minister’s pet Indian puppet answered every question with the same answer, regardless if it made any sense or not.

Peter, the answer “We are currently working with Elections Canada to rectify the issue” is not the right answer, and doesn’t even fit the question asked.

Imagine a scene where Peter Penashue is ordering lunch at a local diner.

Waitress: What would you like to order sir?

Peter Puppet Penashue (PPP): “We are currently working with Elections Canada to rectify the issue”

Waitress: Excuse me, your order, what would you like to order?

PPP:”We are currently working with Elections Canada to rectify the issue”

Waitress: Sir, there is no issue, this is a restaurant, what would you like to order?

PPP: “We are currently working with Elections Canada to rectify the issue”

Waitress: Sir, there is a string hanging from your collar, let me fix it for you

PPP: Sir, there is a string hanging from your collar, let me fix it for you

Damn! Penashue really is an action figure! For more on this story, click the following link:

LINK

classifieds for kindergarten dropouts

The removal of spelling and grammar from our schools has already begun to show. Below are actual facebook classified ads posted by those who cannot spell. My question is, how do the sellers expect us potential buyers to purchase their products if we cannot understand what they have written?

  • Kar for sale nothing wrong with it and don’t need nothing to pass all power p/w p/l p/s tilt staring and crues control inbox only for detales and price needs gone.
  • FOR-SALE 4 215 755/15,IN.WITER TIRES TWO STODDED 2/ARE GRIP 150/FOR ALL WILL NOT SELL SEPERATE TY
    PARTIN OUT 2000/CHEVY VENTURE NEW DRUMS ALUIM/RIMS
  • wtb a 6volt battery…I have a small one but need one bigger!
  • lil mermaid puzzle. 300 peeces, most peeces are there. inbox me for more detales
  • A picture can mean a million things when its in that frams on the wall ….Remember Dis is available for all your photos….. so many pictures out there are to plain… I like to go with the poses and angles ……great poses and prices are available…… feel free to inbox for info
  • looking for a good used wealchoir van  (what the hell is a Wealchoir??? Did he mean Wheel Chair?)
  • Me and my buddy are lookin to get a old truck good for haulin wood. inbox with pictures and prices please!!! ASAP
  • geeeeeeeeze on two minds now if i should sell the van runs so good i,ll install the water pump an new thermostat i put new starter an battery on it was sellin for $500.00 2000/chevvy venture anyway its there for now. inbox me soon
  • 200 0 chevy venture works an runs great 500.00 takes it first turn the key butta not sure think the water pump shot or thermostat one or the other n 4 new tires on it studded (this guy is his own worst enemy)
  • willing to TRADE for a touring sled and CASH for the car ,like vk 540 or grand touring call or inbox for offer. she gots to GO BOYS she gots to GO make offer dont want to store for the winter
  • Playpin forsale. 75 bucks. In brand new condition, only used a handful of time
  • FREE TO A GOOD HOME: A female full bred beagle she is just over a year old she is fixed and house trained. come with a big cage and alot of food. reason i am getting rid of her is i am in collage and just dont have the time for her like i though i would. She is really shy at frist but once she warms up to them she will be great and she is very play ful (Maybe this person should take an English course in college…)
  • WTB: Bell cellphone! comment with what ya got…
  • Looking to purchase seats and other interior pieses doing project with daughters
  • wanted to by a steerin whele (for what???)
  • Do anybody have a 12 inch rim forsale to fit a attic cat quad if so massage me
  • i have a 1971 olympic in great shape i baught it the summer as a project the motor is put on and the chain case skies  and stearing and the clutch had it goin just needs to put rest of the track on its half on just needs to put the back sprocket on so if intersted
  • prouf readin done for studnts. if you has a assignment that needs prouf readin inbox me. good marcks garanteed (I saved this one for last, it is my favorite!)

toothbrush hunting: the dilemma

In an attempt to buy a new toothbrush, I visited the local Walmart. I was amazed to find an entire aisle devoted only to toothbrushes. Choosing a new toothbrush was more difficult than choosing from the Pizza Delight menu on a busy afternoon.

It shouldn’t be this hard. A toothbrush. A simple instrument used to clean teeth. There are many varieties, from brushes that reach where others don’t, some that clean your tongue and teeth at the same time, and some that vibrate. Does vibration clean teeth or is this some gimmick?

There are brushes that spin, some that don’t, there are some with plastic bristles that move independently, and some whose bristles are stiff enough to clean concrete.

Captain America brushes, some devoted to movie characters, there is even a Luke Skywalker light saber toothbrush. Some have timers that ensure proper brushing, and some even have power cords that power them. There was one toothbrush that had a water reservoir that actually flossed while you brushed.

In essence, everyone is trying something different, but at the end of the day, a good ordinary toothbrush will do the same as all those fancy brushes.

And the manufacturers. Crest, Colgate were the most popular, but now Oral-B is moving into the scene. (Incidentally, Oral-B is owned by Crest) and all three manufacturers offer ‘The Best Toothbrushes’ on the market. Hell, Nine out of Ten dentists recommend Oral-B over the other brands. What about the other million or so dentists? What do they recommend?

When I was a kid, we had this neighbor who was poor (and cheap). He and his wife and their five children shared the same toothbrush. Gross huh!

My shopping is over. I found the perfect toothbrush! I found a no name brand that gives you six toothbrushes for a dollar. No fancy gimmicks, no rotating brushes, nothing but a stick with a brush on the end, hand powered my my hand. Can’t wait to try it!

My Beef with beef

As many already know, Canada is under yet another Beef recall. Earlier in the year we had the ‘Pink Slime’ catastrophe, whereas scrap beef was cleaned with ammonia, and then boiled and sold to fast food restaurants worldwide, and just a few weeks ago we were told not to eat ground beef because there were a few cases of E coli linked to the product. This recall is much worst, as it covers not only ground beef, but all cuts of beef, including steak and roasts.

Living on the island of Newfoundland, it is common knowledge that the largest percentage of the population are meat eaters. Save for a few veggie hippies, meat has been a staple on Newfoundland tables for years. Beef is one of the more common meats that is eaten province wide, especially now since our fish stocks are all but gone and we have become meat eaters rather than fish eaters.

I believe part of the problem comes from the method of which we prepare our beef. We were out with friends a while ago, and one guy came in with a huge T-Bone. He headed for my BBQ, threw the steak on the grill, flipped it, and then transferred it to his plate, total cooking time less than two minutes. “That’s how the chefs prepare meat where I come from” he said.

Where I come from, meat that raw says “MOO”. He also tried to claim that the red liquid oozing from his steak was ‘juice’, but I corrected him by informing him that it was blood. There was no way that steak was cooked, hell, it wasn’t even hot. If that steak was hindered with E Coli, he would be dead now.

The cooking shows on TV constantly show half cooked meat served on a plate. I know you can choose Rare, Medium or Well done, but c’mon, most of the stuff these guys serve is raw.

Now what to have for supper…

I had taken out a few beef steaks, but now those are going back to the grocery store. I hate to be paranoid, but what if the pork I cook is the next product to be recalled? What about Chicken? Just saying…

Now to go and see if there are any robins in the back yard….

Hey, you may say that is barbaric, but when was the last time you heard of a Robin being recalled?