My blog has been relatively quiet in the last few days. This is partially due to the passing of an old friend. Mostly, it is to do with all the memories that came splashing back in the last few days.
As I stated earlier, I met Deanna in the nineties. The 90’s were a decade I think I blocked from my mind, and things were going quite well for me, and then things got confusing. I began to remember things. I got to remember me and how I behaved and how I lived.
Life for me back then was work and party and alone and sad and hurt. By day I worked as a logger, and at night I cruised the bars, searching for something that my heart wasn’t ready to handle. How many good people did I push away during that time? Faces, names, places, it didn’t really matter. I wanted someone to be with, but as soon as people tried to get close to me, I ran.
In the ten or so years that I grieved the failure of my marriage, I had many ‘relationships’, if you want to call them that. I even had one woman stay in the house with me, but only for companionship. There was no love, no holding, nothing physical. I just needed someone to come home to. When she asked if we could have something more, I rejected her. She was content to stay for awhile, but eventually she left. I don’t blame her. I was an empty body, no soul, no love.
Love. Now that is a strange word. I loved my wife, and she put me through living hell. So cruel. My heart was smashed into a million pieces. I vowed that this would never happen again. My cure was simple. Never love, never hurt. Seemed easy, but it was a very difficult process. I guess I needed time.
People are so condescending. “don’t worry,someone will come along.” They didn’t, at least for a decade or so they didn’t; or maybe they did. Maybe all those relationships had possibilities if only I had gotten the help I needed.
This continued into the early 2000’s. Then something happened. I seen someone who changed everything. One look and I was hooked. I didn’t care if I was hurt again, for some reason I had no fear of being hurt. We spoke and each word was like dynamite, blasting my fears away. I began to trust, hope, and heal.
In our conversation I discovered that she was far younger than I. 21 years my junior. This was a roller coaster for me. Morals and self judgement caused me to push again, but she wasn’t willing to be pushed. She pushed back. She made me talk about things that I was afraid to talk about. She told me that it was okay to cry, that I needed to cry. She made me realize that she could be my friend, that I was worth her friendship and her kindness. We became the best of friends.
There was people who wanted this friendship to end. Those were like the one who hurt me. This time they tried to hurt her. Gossip and lies almost destroyed what we were building. In the past, I would have ran, but this time I seen what was at stake. Their cruelty only made us stronger. We overcame and we grew even closer. We loved. I loved. I over came the pain and the hurt that was handed to me and I began to grow as a person again.
The other night, my lady and I talked about the nineties. Prior to this, I never mentioned the ordeal I suffered, it was blocked away, safe from her, safe from me, but on this night, all the pain came back, and she was there to listen. I am okay now. In one week I regained the ten years that I had hidden, and it has made me a stronger person. I only wish I could talk to all those whom I pushed away. I would apologize to them. I would tell them that it wasn’t their fault, it wasn’t anyone’s fault except mine. I should have sought professional help. I know that now.
This week, I mourned the death of Deanna, but celebrated the arrival of myself. I am back, 100%. I have many plans now, things I put off, stored on shelves, packed away in boxes.
I have duties here as well. I plan to finish stories such as ‘The Chain’, and my most recent ‘Penance’ series. Then I will move on. My stories will be more pleasant and fulfilling. I promise. That’s all for now.