I HATE CLOWNS

I hate clowns. They are so fake. They have smiles painted on their faces, and even when they frown, they still appear to smile. How dishonest!

Why do they paint their faces? Do they have something to hide? Are they in the Witness Protection Program?

That nose, what’s up with that? Do they hide the ends of their noses so that we don’t find out that they are brown-nosers? I bet that’s it!

I have so many clown  related questions. Do their farts smell funny? Why do you guys always tie animal balloons? Were you too poor as kids to own  real pets? “Here Bozo, your own little pet dog. Don’t chase him through the bushes, he might pop!”

Their names drive me up the wall. Who names their kid ‘Bozo’? I won’t eat McDonald’s because of that Ronald guy. What kind of clown name is ‘Ronald’?

When I was a kid I was terrified of clowns. Mom actually had a relative of ours (who is a real clown) drop by my birthday party  once. I caught him out on the front porch smoking a joint. And how are you a ‘real’ clown? Are you born with a red rubber nose and a painted on smile? And where the hell do you guys get your shoes? You don’t have to wear big red floppy shoes, you can drop into your local Walmart and pick up a size sixteen shoe that looks manageable.

I became even more terrified of clowns after I watched Stephen King’s ‘IT’ on television. I now hate clowns AND Tim Curry. That guy scared the hell outta me. Nothing against Tim, I don’t even know the guy, but add that horribly scary makeup to him and my knees begin knocking!

So help me, if one more mall clown squirts me with a damn fake flower, I am going to kill. Speaking of killing, I wonder  if Cannibals find that clowns taste funny? I wouldn’t know, I don’t like em enough to eat them.

I bet clowns account for 99% of unicycle sales. The other 1% goes to circus bears, but that is another rant.

I got in trouble in school when I was a kid because my teacher accused me of being the class clown. I wasn’t long telling her how crazy that sounded. I HATE CLOWNS!

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