What is the deal with Toilet paper (or bathroom tissue, or toilet tissue, or ass-wipes)? Why can’t there be a delicate (read ‘delicate’) balance that manufacturers can use to make the perfect TP?
This weekend my family had a guest in the house. His name was Friggin’ Flu. I think my son met him at school, made friends with him, and eventually FF followed him home. When my son came into the house, he had already began to show signs of contact with this unwelcome house guest, his eyes watering, his skin pale in color. It wouldn’t have been so bad, but then my ever gracious host of a son introduces FF to me. In no time at all my temperature was a-rising and I began to weaken. Thank heavens I had the sense not to introduce this rude visitor to anyone else close to me. I told my lady about our visitor and she visited the drug store to pick up a few essentials that may actually scare off the rude visitor before he could ruin the long weekend.
By Friday, my son’s temperature was 104, so along with my ever present box of kleenex, I headed out the door,son in tow, rude visitor with us, and my lady, who drove. Half way to the hospital my son informs us that he was getting sick, and did, all over the back seat of the car. He even threw up on the headliner, as well as on my favorite hat and my lady’s coat. I dropped my lady and my son off at the hospital, and headed home to clean up the car. Of course that idiot of a visitor, Friggin’ Flu came with me. Apparently he had this thing with hospitals, he hated them.
While cussing at FF, I inadvertently turned my head from the road for a brief second and when I looked back up, I see a 2000 lb moose standing directly in front of me on the highway. The good Lord must have been watching over me because somehow I managed to get our rackety Chevrolet Cobalt around the back leg of the enormous animal and then steered right back on the road.
By now the smell of my son’s vomit, coupled by the bile in my throat from that near death experience had caused me to get very nauseous, so much that I had to pull the car over on the side of the road. Bent over the edge of the ditch, I got sick as well, (hey, at least it wasn’t in the car!) I noticed FF giggling as I heaved most of the week’s suppers.
When I got home I worked to clean the car the best I could before experiencing yet another piece of my house guest’s power, Diarrhea. I made it to the toilet when my lady called. She needed me to bring in my son’s MCP card so that they could admit him to the hospital. She said that we were in for a six hour wait to see the doctor. This weekend kept getting better.
I swallowed a few meds that promised to give relief from Diarrhea and I was off…in my vomit filled cobalt, along with that ignoramus of a sidekick, back to the hospital. Getting to the door and running for the nearest bathroom, I just made it to the toilet. I am thinking that I am now in Heaven. A toilet seat, a locked door, no sign of FF, and then I reach for the toilet paper.
ONE FRIGGING SQUARE AT A TIME! What the hell? Piece by piece the small squares of paper break off in my hand. How am I supposed to wipe clean with this? It gets worst. In an attempt to grab enough paper, the roll hooks in the stupid holder and now I am getting toilet paper pieces. Small pieces of the small squares! How the hell do I deal with this? Half an hour later, the toilet paper dispenser disassembled using a dime I had in my pocket and I finally have enough paper to successfully wipe my ass.
When I come out from the bathroom I am greeted by two security guards, my worried girlfriend, and some foreigner doctor who is buckled over in pain. Apparently he had been waiting for 45 minutes to use the only available bathroom in the entire hospital. He rushes in like a madman. I smile while leaving, fully realizing that there isn’t a piece of toilet paper anywhere near that hell hole of a bathroom. Not only that, I think that I may have plugged the toilet as well.
When I get back to the waiting room, we sat and waited another two hours before finally getting in to see the on-call doctor. He looked very familiar! Where did I see this guy? Oh ya, the bathroom (hehehe)
Long story short, our son had a fever, the doc recommended Tylenol and Advil, and we were on our way home. She drove. What a day!