Why is it that whenever we visit our doctors, they never tell us good news? Back in the day, my aunt visited her doctor. She explained how she had eight kids, and she was always stressed. The doctor wrote out a prescription for cigarettes. That’s right, he told her to smoke, because everyone knows (in the 1960’s anyway) that smoking helps stress…doesn’t it?
I had a similar experience a few years back when my doctor (we shall call him that) noticed that my cholesterol was up, and after trying various types of medication and failing, he suggested that I drink a beer a day. He even wrote it on a prescription. I didn’t know whether to get the ‘script filled at the drugstore or the liquor store. The pharmacist on duty made a copy of the prescription and posted it on his wall. He also sent it in to some pharmacist magazine and won a prize for the worst prescription in Canada. Go figure. And where was my share of the prize? And where was my beer? He just laughed and refused to give me free beer.
So now, without further adieu, is my list of things that I wish my doctor would say to me on my next visit.
- Sir, it appears that your body is lacking bacon. Please eat as much fried bacon as you can before your next visit.
- That beer gut is looking good. Studies have shown that men with beer guts far outlive those with six pack abs.
- I think you are doing far too much exercise. Take it easy, sit back, and have a few now and then, its good for your heart to relieve stress, and I believe exercise is giving you stress.
- Don’t like veggies? French Fries are potatoes you know, and fried or baked, they are still healthy. While you are at it, throw some gravy over them, makes them digest better.
- Blood-work? No need, we have all that info on your file.
- Pee in a bottle? No worry, we have lots from your last visit.
- Work causing you stress? Here is a note for four days off work to recover. Make copies, isn’t your health worth it?
- Your blood pressure is up. Good news is that studies show that high blood pressure is a sign of a person in excellent shape. Go on, eat all the salty food you want, it will only make you healthy.
- Hamburgers and hot dogs are an excellent source of red meat. To ensure your ticker is working good, make sure you eat lots of the stuff.
- As stated above, this one actually happened to me: Since Lipitor and Crestor failed to help your cholesterol drop, try drinking a bottle of beer each day. Hell, have two or three. It is a widely known fact that people in France rarely have cholesterol problems because they drink wine with every meal. (It is also a widely known fact that the chief killer of French people is Cirrhosis of the liver…caused by too much alcohol)
There you have it, a list go ensure a relatively short life and many long boring visits to the local doctor.