Personal Ads: The truth behind the lie

With all those dating sites online, it is a wonder that singles bars still exist. Personally I find that searching for a loved one online is a bit scary, still, I tried it a few years ago, with not so good results.

The ads are what get you. “Bright, energetic lady with a great personality”…that one sounded great. And the photo, I was hooked. A shapely blonde with a great smile. Wants kids someday, but for now, I want to enjoy life with a special guy. Who wouldn’t be hooked on that one? I was!

Non-smoker, Non-drug user, social drinker. See? she sounds fun, at least she did sound fun. Enjoys long walks on the beach. Why do they all say that? Who walks on the beach all the time? Not this lady, believe me!

I believe in relationships, I hate cheaters, I love a honest man. I am not interested in a guy’s money, I want Love! She was sounding better all the time. She doesn’t want money, good thing, I had none!


You know me, I had to find out more. I answered her ad. Of course I sent her a recent pic. Well, not really a recent pic, and not really a pic of me. Tom Selleck actually. An old one where he was sitting on the hood of his Ferrari. That should hook her!

She answered me back immediately. I couldn’t believe it.

“Wow, an interesting man with a sense of humor. I used to love that show too when it came on. How about you come to my town and we meet?”

Her town was seven hours away, but being the desperate guy I used to be (not any more, thank heavens), I decided to take a trip up north. She lived on The Northern Peninsula of Newfoundland. I had always wanted to visit Gros Morne, so this was a good excuse.

I drove all day, seen 38 moose (that is not a lie, they were everywhere) and finally I got to the road where she lived. I was still a bit taken with her photo, so I anxiously wanted to meet this girl. When I got to her door, I almost turned around and headed home, but that blonde hair and that body, that is why I stayed at the door until…

until He came to the door. A big hairy man with dirty blonde hair and a dirty goatee. “Susan, is Susan here?” I asked, hoping that this hairy man was not the girl of my dreams.

The guy had more tattoos than skin, and one of those tattoos was the name Susan etched across this ape’s arm.

“Why you looking for my wife? Your not here to talk to my wife Susan are you?” he asked, while squashing a beer can in one hand. I imagined the beer can to be my neck, and slowly backed up towards the car. “I will go get her, you can tell her why you are here!” he said. I didn’t wait for him to return, but while backing out of his long driveway, I seen her. She was a blonde, but that shape wasn’t there. Instead, she was at least 450 lbs, with two small children under one arm, and a beer in her other hand. She had a smoke hanging from her lip. “Come back Tom, My lovely Tom Selleck!” she yelled. This was the fastest time I ever drove, and when I got home I deleted my name from the Internet dating site. Thank Heavens I got away with my life.


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