One of the things I do around here is to offer computer assistance to people who are not computer savy. Charging $30 per hour, there is good money in this little side-business. Yesterday I advised my customer on the purchase of a new PC laptop. Today they asked me to help them with their slow internet.
When I got to their home, I was surprised to find that their ‘high speed’ internet was actually slower than dial-up, and I spent the entire day either on hold with the internet company or waiting for programs to download. Here is what happened:
Customer Service (CC): My name is Bibtwidea (or something like that, couldn’t understand a damn thing she said anyway) how can I help you!
Me: Yes, I am at a client’s home, attempting to set up their Internet, but the modem is not working.
CC: How may I know your name?
Me: WTF? How may you know my name? when I tell you, that’s how
CC: How may I know your name?
CC: your name sir, what is your name?
me: Ted, call me ted
CC: Okay Tim, what do you need?
me: As I said earlier, the modem isn’t working, my client has no internet service.
CC: Why I talk to you?
me: because the homeowners have no clue about the internet and explaining it to me once should be easier than explaining it to them five times!
CC: okay. there is nothing wrong with modem, problem is you.
me: WTF? Me? did I hear you right? I need help to reset the modem and see if it will work…you brazen philiFUCKINGpino or whatever the hell you are
CC: I have fixed modem while you ramble on. you Canadian people always ramble
me: WTF I said that alot during this call. Now I need to download your internet security program that my client is already paying you $5 per month for. Is this program compatible with Windows 8?
CC: Of course it is, our software is always up to date. follow this link and download the program. There will be a password in your email.
me: That simple? I am afraid!
CC: Is there anything else I can do right now?
me: nope, thanks
I went to the link, (it took forever) and began the download. She promised me that the high speed modem was working properly, but a 180mb file took four hours (READ THAT…4 HOURS) to download.
When the program was downloaded, and after four hours of staring at the screen, a windows error popped across the screen stating that the program was NOT COMPATIBLE with Windows 8!
I was mad enough to fire the computer through the window, but it wasn’t the computer’s fault, it was Bibtwidea’s fault for misinforming me that their software was all up to date.
I called tech support. A nice English speaking lady answered the phone, but immediately transferred me to Tech Support…in EAST INDIA.
TS: My name is BRRRRASHA. How may I know your problem.
me: Oh No, not again! My client is paying for your internet security anti virus program and it is not compatible with Windows 8, how can we fix this?
TS: Sir, you are mistaken, it works fine with windows 8.
me: obviously it doesn’t, I have the error message in front of me. Get me your supervisor!
TS: Sir, no need for that, just go to this link and download the newly updated program.
Me: the internet connection is too slow, it will take forever
TS: No sir, we updated your connection speed, it is now superfast.
I went to the link and begun the download. This time it was faster, it only took 3 hours to download a 160mb file. I clicked on the install button…
PROGRAM NOT COMPATIBLE WITH WINDOWS 8
I called the customer service dept again, this time mad enough to kill, and I got the same person again (What were the chances?)
me: I don’t care who the hell you are, you told me that the program was compatible, and it isn’t.
TS: Sir, you must have download wrong, it is easy, just click link.
me: Listen here, I am mad enough to invade your country right now! Your program isn’t working. Please transfer me to the business office so that I may cancel payment on your antivirus program…and do it now.
TS: one minute sir.
An english speaking woman appeared on my line. I begged her not to transfer me to India again. She laughed.
Billing Dept (BD): My Name is Thelma. Don’t worry sir, we won’t transfer you. How may I help you?
me: your antivirus isn’t compatible with Windows 8. I tried to download it twice and it doesn’t work.
BD: I could have told you that, a ton of our customers have the same issue with the new OS. I imagine that you want me to remove the program from your bill.
me: Finally someone who listens! Thelma, do you think that maybe you and the tech support department might get together to swap notes? It bothers me when the billing department knows more about tech support than the tech support dept does.
Thelma: Ya, I think you are right sir. If I were you I would download Norton or something.
In a conversation with my client, we discussed the possibility of them changing Internet servers. They are making the call in the morning.