Adolescence is a scary time in a boy’s life. At least it was scary for me. Being raised devout Catholic, we were raised strict. Hell I wasn’t even allowed to watch PG movies, with risk that a half naked body would be seen.
Of course, being a kid of fourteen, I had my ways of seeing things. I remember one day at school seeing a large crowd of my friends gathered around some guys car. We were out for lunch during school and some guy had an old Chevy truck parked near the school. Hanging from his rear view mirror was a picture of a half naked girl with enormous boobs. We all squeezed together so that we could have a good look, and we would have all been late for classes if Sneaky Suzie hadn’t told the nun who was on duty what we were up to. I did miss class, as did ten other kids, as we spent the remainder of the day, and each lunch time for the next two months in detention.
Of course my fascination with naked ladies didn’t stop there. My uncle, he was a rascal. He had this little convenience store up the street and he traded comic books, hunting magazines and you know it, girlie magazines. My aunt would be sitting in the store, cussing at him for reading stuff like that, ‘The Work of the Devil’ she used to say. I was at the store one day shuffling through the ‘comic books’ when I seen it. A naked Nun. The priest at the parish would have burned this book and all the others, and probably permanently banned me from church services for life if he knew that I was gawking at a picture of a naked nun. Of course this gal was anything but a nun, I KNOW they don’t look anything like this, at least Sister Kotex didn’t. I quickly flicked through the magazine to discover that this gal didn’t stay a sister very long, as the habit (I have been told that a ‘habit’ was a nun uniform) was strewn across the floor and there she was, in all her airbrushed glory, lying on a big water bed, legs wide open. All my Catholic upbringing was out the window. I was in love!
My uncle peered over, he knew what I was up to. Why else did all the kids spend their summer days searching for ‘comics’ only to be really looking at the girlie books in my uncle’s store?
“You want a loan of the book? I can do that, won’t even tell your mom! But for the love of God and all that is holy, don’t let her catch you with it, she will disown me as a brother and probably castrate me, and nobody knows what she will do to you!” he warned. I always loved my uncle.
I tucked the magazine into the front of my pants, pulled my t-shirt over the top and headed home for the safety and privacy of my room. There I could actually get a good look at the book, and not feel all guilty like I did at the store.
I hoped that when I got home, mom wouldn’t be there. I knew she had some shopping to do, so I casually strolled into the front room of the house, and then made a quick beeline for my room. On my way there I passed my mom, who was only now getting ready to go to town.
“Why you in a hurry? Why are you walking funny?” she asked, the woman with no idea that the rolled up book had fallen further down my pants, and actually down my leg. I must have looked like a robot, walking with stiff legs, praying that the book didn’t fall out my pants leg. Stupid Bell Bottoms.
“Nothing Mom, not feeling well, think I will go for a nap!” I lied.
“A nap? On a nice day like this? You sure you are alright? You sure have been acting weird lately!” she quipped. All of a sudden I had this weird feeling that somehow she seen right through me, and right through the not so well hidden magazine that featured a naked nun on the cover. I was going to hell and my momma was gonna send me there…after a good lacing across the ass that is!
She didn’t say anything else, she went on her way and I continued to my room.
I took out my prize possession and just when I began reading (well not really reading, I didn’t bring this book home to read it, I was more interested in the pictures and the naked ladies to actually read. Why the hell did they put stories in those books anyway?) when just then the door slams open.
“Whatchareadin” he asks.
My little brother was in inquisitive one. “Hey, why is there a nakid lady on the cover?” he continued.
Being seven years older than my brother gave me an advantage in this one.
“This is what is called Biology, I have to take biology this fall in school, I was just brushin’ up on my biology” I lied, this time beginning to feel horns start to grow on my head.
“Wow, I am telling mom that I want to take B-logy too!” he said, his excitement growing.
“Nope, you can’t tell mom. The school said that Biology is a big secret that only 14 year olds should know about. The principal said that seven year olds will get the strap if they are caught learnin’ about such things!” I advised, all the time only thinking of him and not of what mom will do to me if he tells.
“Why don’t you go play, I got some ‘studying’ to do” I asked.
He went outside to play with all his friends, the ones who usually drove me crazy and bugged the hell outta me. Then I got down to some serious ‘lookin’. This was amazing. Not a blemish, those women were perfect. And they were kissin’ each other. That part was a little gross, but given the fact that I have never laid eyes on anything like this, I felt like I had to go on. I felt like Christopher Columbus when he explored the new world. Then I heard mom come in.
“Teddy, can you go and bring in the groceries for me? I am beat after all that shopping!” she said.
Quickly, I took the book and tried hiding it. “Can’t put it under the mattress, that’s the first place she will look, can’t hide it in my sock drawer, another bad place.” I thought. Then I thought of it, the perfect place. I took my old Monopoly game down from the top of the closet, and removing the playing board and the little cardboard box that contained the playing pieces, I slid my forbidden treasure to the bottom of the box and replaced all the parts. I made sure that the game was put back exactly where it was, not even a piece of dust out of place and headed down the hall to help mom.
When supper was over, I lied about having a headache and returned to my room. When I was sure my little brother was not in the room, I quickly grabbed the monopoly game and proceeded to take it apart. When I got to the bottom of the box I grabbed the magazine and returned to my bed, anxious to look at the nakid ladies again. Startled and amazed, I threw the magazine to the floor. A sickening feeling came over me, and I almost vomited. I looked to the floor, hoping to see my naked nun look back at me when I saw it.
Somebody (Mom, I know it was Mom, or maybe the blessed lord) found my magazine and replaced it with a ‘Sainte-Anne de Beaupre’ magazine. Sainte Anne magazines were books handed out by our church, and featured stories from Catholic churches across the land. On the cover was a nun, but she wasn’t nakid, and she was nothing like the big boobed blonde who lay on the big water bed, instead she was all holy and sacred.
My secret was out, but the worst thing was that mom never mentioned anything about it. My uncle was practically banned from the house for months, but mom eventually forgave him. He got a laugh at how sneaky I was, and said that I reminded him of himself at my age.
We were sitting down for a chat yesterday, when my lady pointed out that any day now she expected our little guy to begin asking sex questions. Mom surprised me when she said that I figured the stuff out myself by reading girlie magazines. Even at 49 years old, I began to blush. “How do you know that?” I asked.
“Let’s just say a little bird told me. He said that maybe some little boy was hiding magazines in the bottom of a monopoly game. I fixed that by replacing the book with a church book.” she confessed. “I never punished you, I knew that the shock of seeing a church book instead of that horrible book…(with a naked nun at that!) would scare you straight. It worked, I never seen another book like that in the house….until your brother was fourteen, but he was much more clever…and sneaky.” she added.
My lady laughed and I turned even redder. Ah Childhood…I miss it sometimes….