While browsing around my blogroll, I came across a fantastic idea. One of my fav bloggers came up with the idea to write a letter to her fifteen year old self. Naturally, I had to try this as well. Here goes….
I know you are only fifteen and you have your entire life ahead of you, but listen to me, I have been there. I know that at fifteen you know everything about the world and you don’t need some almost fifty version of you telling you what to do, but at least listen to what I have to say, it may just save you a lot of grief and maybe a ton of money as well.
First off, I know you hate school. You hate it because Bobby Tiller spends his entire day making life miserable for you. Two things to tell you about that one. First, he will drown before his seventeenth birthday, so you could try to put up with his bullshit for another year or so, or you could get him back right now. I know for a fact that his one true love has a thing for you. Now I know your confidence is terrible, and if some big boobed senior were to be anywhere near you and that terrible case of acne you have, you would just die, but for once listen to someone, ask her out. Tell her that she has beautiful eyes. Most guys hit on her because of her big tits, pretend you didn’t notice them. Trust me on this one, she would later reveal that she wanted to jump your bones. Now stop turning red, I am just trying to help you here. Bobby Tiller will be ruined if his one piece of social status jumps ship and dates the school nerd (sorry about that)
Back to school. I know you hate it because your grades suck. I have a surprise for you, a bit later in life when you actually grow confidence, you will realize how smart you really are. Grab your school books and study!
When you graduate next year, skip the Clerk Accounting course you plan to take at that crummy community college. Go out and get a student loan and do an education degree. Believe me, you will forever regret not doing this, I should know.
When you turn seventeen, you will buy the 1968 Pontiac Beaumont from old man Hillier. Do Not Drive the car! You heard me, don’t drive it. Instead, drive it into Grandfather’s barn, cover it with dry hay, and leave it there until 2012. That car was mint, and now worth over $90 grand. Buy an old Nova, drive that around. There is a ’76 for sale in Millers Lane, you should be able to afford it soon, it will get you where you want to go, (hell, you will even get laid for the first time in the back seat).
Speaking of getting laid, right now you are young and you get the shivers whenever someone talks about sex. Now stop turning red and giggling, in a year or so your hormones will kick in and sex will be more important than hamburgers, and you will want to have sex daily, so be a man, stop giggling every time I say the word ‘sex’.
That girl in woodworking class, the one every guy wants and the same gal who only did woodworking so that she could meet guys is not as popular as she lets on. Truth is, she comes from a strict Pentecostal upbringing where sex is totally forbidden. You gotta learn something about the Pentecostal gals, they want it! They do whatever they please in their younger years, and when they reach a certain age (20 I think), they get saved and never think of sex again. Ask this girl out, she is no virgin, and you won’t be either after that.
Now for the warnings.
When you are seventeen you will meet a girl. She will take you home to meet her folks. When you realize that the entire family is drunk, ignore the fact that their daughter is one sexy piece of woman and run. Yes she will screw you, but believe me, this is one rough family, and you certainly don’t want to get mixed up with them.
When you turn 18, you will meet a girl who seems like the right one for you. (you will meet a lot of those). If she tells you that she has a steady job cleaning doctor’s offices in the evening, don’t believe her. It’s not true. She does meet with doctors, but only to do other things for doctors, like have sex with them. Don’t date this girl, run for your life!
When you turn 19, you will meet a woman who will sweep you off your feet. You will fall head over heels in love. All you will want to do is sit and plan your future (that and make love every chance you get). At this point, STOP! Truth is, ‘You’ did fall in love. All ‘You” want to do is plan your future. Trouble is, she doesn’t love you. She is dealing with abuse issues at home and she needs counseling. You are not the professional help she needs. Do Not Marry this girl, I plead with you. She will hurt you so bad that it will take twenty years for you to get over it. Stop laughing, I am trying to talk to you here, I am trying to save you pain.
No, wait, on second thought, don’t listen to me. Not doing all the things I warned you about could backfire. Not experiencing all the pain I went through as a child might not make me the man I am today. Not marrying that gal and not learning the lessons, I may not be here today with the true love of my life. Destroy this letter, go on being the school nerd, and live your life. Have fun, but be safe.
You at 49 years old