new toothbrush woes

I just went downtown to buy a new toothbrush. Sounds easy,  doesn’t it? Well, with over three hundred varieties of toothbrushes, my five minute task took me over an hour. They have toothbrushes that spin, ones that shake, ones that root deep  in your teeth, there are toothbrushes made by Crest, Colgate, Oral-B, generic brands, proctor and gamble, and even a few Spiderman, Dora, Cars, and virtually every kid’s movie labeled brush.

After ruling out anything to do with movies, denture cleaners (I still have all most my own teeth, thankfully), and the cheap generic toothbrushes whose bristles come out in the first cleaning, I got confused and ended up buying the newest toothbrush offered by Oral-B, which I later learn is owned by Crest.

When I got home, I looked my new toothbrush over to discover that it guarantees whiter teeth or your money back. I wonder if anyone ever tried to get their money back?

Me: “My teeth are no whiter than they were last month”

Walmart employee: “Whaat?”

ME: “the label says whiter teeth guaranteed, I want my money back”

Walmart Employee: “We don’t do returns on used toothbrushes, check the sign”

Me reading sign: “We take no returns on opened underwear, bras, dental supplies including floss, toothbrushes or toothpaste”

Me:” Damn!”

So what do I have here? A toothbrush that vibrates. It doesn’t spin, it doesn’t floss, it just vibrates. What is the advantage of a vibrating toothbrush? I cannot see any advantage, but this isn’t the first time I was fooled by intelligent packaging, and bought something dumb.

A few years back, I bought a vibrating razor. It guaranteed a smooth shave, and since I hate to shave, I bought the thing. Well, it didn’t give any different shave than the non shaking variety, and the noise from the thing scared my cat.

Oh, I forgot to mention, The toothbrush also came with a new product, a vibrating flosser. Stay tuned!

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