Month: November 2011

Boobs

Despite getting your attention with the title of this weeks blog, this blurb has nothing to do with any part of the female anatomy, but rather, it is a list of funny (embarrassing) things that I have done in the past that I can sit and laugh at today.

Why choose to write a list of embarrassing things that have happened to me you ask? Well, being a ‘Newfie’, we have the inborn trait of being able to laugh at ourselves. Here goes…

1.  I was at a local department store once, and upon choosing a few pairs of jeans, I went to the change room to try them on. I tried them on and found that I needed a bigger pair, so I left the change room to get one, only to find that I forgot to put my pants back on first. I quickly discovered that I was walking around the store in my boxers when the lady in the Men’s wear department stood and stared at me in shock. (What is wrong with some people? Didn’t she know that is rude to stare at your customers?)

2. Still with the underwear topic, one day my mom phoned me. She said that she was tired of my dad cutting up good jeans to make shorts to wear on hot days. Mom asked if I could go down town and look for a few pairs of suitable shorts for my dad to wear.

With this, I went to the nearest Wool-co store (it used to be Wool-co, then Woolworth, and then eventually it changed to Wall-Mart) where I found the neatest shorts in the store. Three pairs for five dollars, plaid in color (every dad loves plaid, don’t they?) and made from a nice light material. I liked the boxer shorts so much, I bought a few pairs for myself as well.

My dad loved them; he wore them everywhere, including to the grocery store, to the beach, around the house, on camping trips, hell, he even wanted to wear them to church. I must admit, I wore mine almost as often.

The strange thing about people is that they choose to stare at a person for the weirdest reasons. Whenever I went to town, people stared at my shorts. I used to tell them that they could buy shorts like this at Wool-co for under ten dollars, but none of them ran out to buy them.

One day, while my brother was visiting, he gazed at my dad and me, and asked why we were wearing underwear around the house. I quickly informed him that those ultra comfortable shorts were not underwear, but simply the most comfortable outside shorts I ever had. I even had a few pairs purchased for my brother, which I planned on giving him for Christmas next year. Being an employee at Wool-co, he quickly informed me that a staff member mistakenly put the boxers out on the sports rack where many of the shorts were being displayed, rather than in the underwear department where they should have been placed. Boy, our faces were some red when we realized that we were wearing underwear in public.

3 . I think I could tell funny clothing stories all day. Back a few years ago, button fly jeans were the rage. (At least they were the rage here in Newfoundland at the time. They were probably the rage twenty years earlier in the rest of the world, but being on an island, we are cut off from technology, fashion, and other things of the such)

I had visited a local clothing store and found the perfect pair of jeans. I wanted those jeans. Those jeans only came in one size, a 30 waist, while my waist was a 34 (this was a few years ago, as a 34 waist would come up somewhere around my knees right now), but I decided to try them anyway. I went into the tiny change room, slipped out of my jeans, and put those cool button fly jeans on. When I got the last button fastened, I realized that the jeans were too small (DUH), and because I had held my breath to get them on, exhaling was not the best decision. I almost choked. Right away, I began to panic. I could not get the buttons undone. I was in the tiny dressing room about fifteen minutes when I had no choice but call out to the lady in the men’s department. “Could you please help me” I asked. A little old lady in her late fifties came to the door of the dressing room. “What is wrong, do you need another pair” she asked. “No, I can’t get those off, could you help me take my pants off” I said. (I was in too much discomfort to think how this must have sounded)

Here she was, door wide open in the dressing room in a crowded store, lady down on her knees in front of my crotch, trying to undress me. Many of the customers stared over, but it didn’t matter, I had to get those jeans off, and soon. When she couldn’t do anything with the tight jeans, she called another lady over, and the two of them pushed on my waist, struggling to unbutton my jeans. Then the department head came over, and she helped as well. You can imagine how this must have appeared when the store manager, an older gentlemen who had obviously been working at the store far too long, came over and witnessed a young man in his early 20’s, standing there while three of his staff members knelt in front of his crotch, almost to the point of gnawing on the jeans to take them off. The manager came over, and yelled loudly at the workers. “What in the Hell are you guys doing to this young man?” He asked. “From here, it looks like you guys are performing some sort of lucid act on one of my customers, for the love of God, get to your feet and explain yourselves!” He said.

While the workers stammered and stuttered to explain what they had been doing, I bent forward, and all of a sudden, ‘Sproing!!” one of the top buttons flew off the jeans, allowing me to exit the tight denim pants that held me captive for the past hour. I was weak from embarrassment when all of a sudden, all involved started laughing loudly at the incident. I quickly closed the door, put my old jeans on, and exited the store. It has been thirty years since that day, and I faithfully avoid going back to the store.

4. One Sunday morning, I had a bit of a cold, and rather than stay home, I decided to go to church. Being raised Roman Catholic, Mom always encouraged us to go to church, so in this case, I was just being dutiful. Anyway, I sat in the pew, and in front of me was the wife of the richest guy in town. The lady wore a fine mink coat that must have cost a fortune. Just as mass began, I sneezed, and you guessed it, I totally missed my tissue and got her coat. Here I was with my little tissue, trying to wipe her coat without her knowledge, totally afraid of the consequences of her finding out that I sneezed on her fine fur coat. The guy behind me was in stitches as every time I reached out with my tissue, she leaned ahead or leaned to the side. Eventually, I just gave up and left the church.

5. While on the church topic, my sister and I went to church once, and upon arriving late, we put the kneelers down and knelt down, only to discover that my sister put the kneeler down on an old lady’s foot. Being in church, you dare not screech, so she let out a helpless whine. Instead of getting up and apologizing, I sat up quickly, only to discover that I sat on this her husband’s hat. Both myself and my sister burst into laughter, while the old guy shook his fist at us for ruining his hat and the old lady sat holding onto her toes. We quickly exited the church.

5. Still on the church topic….One morning, on the way to church, my brother, who lives in town, asked me for a ride. It was a cold day, so I wore my favorite stocking hat. When I pulled into his driveway, I opened my window to alert my brother that I was waiting for him, when suddenly, my hat blew off. Without thinking, I got out of the car and ran for my hat, forgetting to put the car into park first. When I finally got to my hat, I noticed my car heading for his garage doors, and with just an  inch or two before my car crashed into the garage, I managed to apply the brake and stop the car. My brother came out, furious, yelling “You almost drove through my house!” “What were you thinking?” My reply? “Well, at least I got my hat”. Nothing more was said until we reached the church. We took seats in the middle row of the church, and despite trying to be quiet, I looked over to find my brother down on all fours, cracking up with laughter, and repeating over and over “At least I got my hat”. We laughed so much that eventually the entire church laughed, without even knowing what they were laughing about. The minister, who was an older guy without much patience yelled for everyone to come to order and pray. We left quietly and quickly.

6. Here in Newfoundland, we use a daylight savings time schedule and our fall days are very short. Our autumn mornings are as dark as night, and we only see daylight around 9 or so. I had been working at the local Radio Shack store, and I had to be to work for 8:00 every morning. This was a Sunday ( I don’t have much luck with Sundays for some reason) and I was particularly tired, so after supper, I chose to have a small nap. I awoke later that evening, and glancing at the clock, I noticed that it was 8:00. I sprang to my feet, showered, dressed, and took off down the road to go to work. When I got to work, I was surprised to find the streets abandoned and nobody waiting at the door outside the store. I waited at the door for the boss to arrive, and after an hour, I decided to call him. When he answered, he laughed and told me that it was now 10:00 p.m. on a Sunday evening.

There you have it, I have bared my soul of some funny things that I have experienced and lived to talk about.

Those things we do sometimes

While working at a call center (a position I am not proud of), we had a secret Santa gift drive. With Secret Santa, you draw names from a hat, and you have to buy that person a Christmas gift. Well, as luck would have it, I drew the name of my boss, a bitchy, cranky woman whose goal every day was to make life miserable for me and everyone else who crossed her path. After deep thoughts about what to buy her, I decided upon purchasing her an eighteen inch dildo. Not just any eighteen inch dildo, but one that pulsated to the beat of whatever tune was pre-programmed into the device. I chose to use the tune “The Bitch is Back” by Elton John.

On the night were the staff gathered to open gifts, Ex Boss pushed everyone aside to say that since she was boss, she would open her gift first. Hell, she even had the local newspaper guy in attendance, to take her picture with her gift. She proudly stated that if a staff member bought the boss a gift, it had better be something that she could use. “It better be something that her husband cannot give her” she said, and “it better be something that would make every woman in the room crave with jealousy when they see it”…..You should have seen her face when she opened her gift. I made sure that my name was printed on the label for all to see. This was the first time in my two short years working with the company that she ever closed her mouth. Upon opening the gift, the music played loudly, and the eighteen incher danced to the tune of “The Bitch is Back”….

The next day, instead of going to work, I chose to stay home and check the want ads. When I finally arrived at work, ex boss met me at the door, and despite her red blushing face, she rewarded with a big hug and said that my gift was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for her. She said that her husband was jealous…I wonder if he was jealous that I bought her an eighteen inch dildo, or if he was jealous OF the eighteen inch dildo….just saying…

Stories from the Good Humor Man

Glen is a friend of mine who can really tell a joke. He is the kind of guy who knows enough jokes to write a book, but instead, he uses them for status messages on Facebook. While some of his jokes are a bit tasteless, they are in fact, also very funny. I hate to admit it, but I check his Facebook page daily for a good laugh. Here is a Top ten list of Glen’s best one liners:

  1. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
  2. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
  3. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
  4. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
    They taste funny.
  5. What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
    The taste.
  6. GUY: Give me 3 packs of Trojan condoms please. CASHIER: Do you need a bag with that sir? Guy: Nawwww….. she’s not that ugly…..
  7. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
    Sexual harassment.
    What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
    $3.99 a minute.
  8. Two old ladies are at the movies.
    “Psst,” says one old lady. “I think the guy next to me is beating off.”
    “What makes you say that?”
    “He’s using my hand.”
  9. I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.
  10. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

There you have it, the best of Glen…

Turkey Bacon

Pigs can rest a little easier now, as Turkey Bacon has become the latest breakfast fad. With a quarter the fat and less salt, turkey bacon is a health wise alternative that still tastes great with your eggs and toast.

When I think about it, Turkeys had it pretty good. Sure, we ate them to help celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas, but twice a year? A chicken should have it so good. And without the fear of individuals such as Mary Brown and Col. Saunders, Turkeys have had a good run thus far. Last evening, we made Turkey burgers. That’s right, now we are not only substituting turkey for meals that porky once sacrificed himself for, but now we are moving over to the beef industry as well. I can see it now…the first Turkey ranch in North America. Little terriers rounding the wild turkeys up so that we can lead them across the prairies and onto turkey ranches and then onto slaughter houses. What is next? Turkey milk? I think I will sit that one out. Until then, Gobble Gobble