Please read prior to using

I just bought a new kettle for the office. The kettle came complete with detailed instructions. Who needs instructions to use a kettle? Who needs a thirty five page instruction manual to use an electric kettle? Ask Betty Crocker, as she seems to be making kitchen appliances for monkeys. How else do you explain this instruction manual?

This instruction manual is more detailed than the one I got for my lawn tractor. The table of contents, for example, has ten headings, from Important safeguards, Know the parts of your kettle, to ‘For your safety’. Now I am scared. Apparently in the past, someone has been seriously injured because they did not carefully read the instructions to their kettle.

The funniest instruction has to be: “Do not use kettle on electric or gas burner” This kettle is electric, so why would anyone place it on the damper of a stove? The second funniest instruction is: “Only use kettle to heat water. Never use kettle to heat gas.” Why would anyone use an electric kettle to heat gas? “Do not heat food in kettle” Have you ever heard of anyone heating pizza in a kettle? “hey there Junior, while you are boiling water for your tea, do you mind if I throw some eggs in there too?” Hopefully this won’t happen, if you feel the need to boil eggs in the kettle, you are probably a few bricks short of a load anyway. “While kettle is plugged in, avoid immersing it in water” Ya, let’s boil the kettle as we bathe, that way we save electricity.

While this instruction manual is attempting to exceed the understandable level of stupidity, I have read some that were far worst. Last summer, I purchased a water cooler from the local bargain store. It was obvious that the instruction manual was first written in some foreign language such as East Indian, and then badly translated into English. The dumbest warning in this manual was “Do not fill water coller (yes, they spelled cooler wrong) with sewage” You just read that correctly, they warned you not to pour raw sewage in the water cooler. I sincerely hope the message was wrongly translated, or East Indian tea is not something I want to drink. The next warning was equally as dumb, “Never stand in a pool of water while plugging coller into your unit.” I don’t know about you, but I never plan on plugging anything into my unit, let alone a misspelled water cooler filled with sewage. after reading the instruction manual I felt like I was speaking to technical support from Vonage, and thereby frightened against actually using the cooler. We promptly returned said device to the store we bought it from and chose instead to use a pop bottle filled with water and stuck in the fridge overnight.

The world has to stop buying appliances made in other countries.The workmanship is done poorly (what do you expect from slave labour), and the warranty, that is something else entirely.The ‘Limited’ warranty states that if any or all the warnings have been exceeded, the warranty is null and void. The book then goes on with fifteen other pages of warnings that would take a criminal lawyer several months to decipher. I just ditched the owners manual, filled the kettle, plugged it in and took my chances from there.

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